locus_ofcontro: (Work)
One of my co-worker/friends was off last week.
I felt more comfortable in my job and capable while she was gone.

She is back today. And it causes me stress.

She is under the gun/radar with work, and has been talking with me about it. It makes me worry for my OWN job when she is talking about the things she's being disciplined for.

I'm just as far behind in recordings, my desk gets "messy"too.

We have different supervisors, so I do not know if that's part of the issue but I do know that 'being a friend' and letting her vent to me, makes me nauseated.

Not sure how I'm gonna manage this new awareness.

I do know that her boss immediately went to see her, after I commented that I was helping her with something. All it was, was changing the formatting of a document, but I got worried that she'd get in trouble for me lending her a hand. I totally do not know what the deal is.

But it's got me edgy enough that I'm planning to work from home a bit on Saturday to catch up some recordings.

I don't like this feeling.

TGIF

May. 9th, 2008 06:54 am
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
I worked til almost 6 last night.

I woke today in a full anxiety attack...tremors, racing heart the whole deal....

Chiro appt at 7:30am.

Hopefully that will help with the calms....

I'm gonna try working....if I can't settle the anxiety...

I'm leaving and coming home sick.  I'm not safe on the roads and with clients when I'm this shakey...

Friggin' sleep  
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
So, I know I'm falling down on being an effective mom right now. I don't have sufficient resources to use my own self-discipline on myself, let alone extend that to K. I am not eating properly. Picking up after myself. Preparing meals. All the things I was doing so well with for a while, earlier on after [livejournal.com profile] zagatto left have fallen by the wayside. I simply can not bring myself to the space where I care!

I don't care whether or not I have lunch. I don't care if my food choices are healthy. I don't care if I step over the same piece of paper on the floor several times. I don't care whether or not I prepare a meal for her.

This is the space where I know that I'm falling into a depression and I can see it coming a mile away. I have a Dr. appt on Monday where the discussion will be a formal increase in my meds (I've been managing on my own on an increased dose due to having extra's on hand), and something to help me sleep. I also need to call my EAP and get an appt. booked in order to lay the ground work for what I can see is coming.

The slippery slope into the abyss is yawing wide before me. I keep trying to turn my head but it continues to mock me at the corner of my eye.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
I am finally ready to admit I'm stressing.

As I look around the disaster that is my house, the lack of proper preparable food, out of cat's food & water, needing to mop, do laundry, vacume and all the other things that doth MAINTAIN my world and realizing that not only am I NOT dealing with these things, I'm also not dealing with any of the heavier stuff I need to be dealing with.

Like...figuring out how co-residing is gonna work, or not...figuring out finances, committments, schedules...a divorce.

Dealing with the emotional onslaught that spending time "re-membering" myself is creating in me, and the subsequent anger, resentment and self-abuse that goes along with it.

Dealing with the emotional connumdrum that the re-introduction of a old friend has created for me, and the challenge that universe is throwing at me in that arena.

Dealing with my work load, the new standards, recording packages, time-lines and managing around vacations schedules and balancing the authority the compassion.

Dealing with my need to find a space of silence in my brain.

Dealing with my chronic poor sleeping patterns, the random irrational thoughts that swarm my brain, and the moments of my eyes filled with tears while my mouth fills with harsh words.

Dealing with parenting a child from whom I feel very disconnected right now.

I'm here. I'm burying myself in "feel good" things that are not necessarily good for me and not long term solutions. I'm evading and avoiding and hiding. And somehow, just telling myself to "get a grip" is not helping.
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
Spent most of today working on court papers...and didn't get very far...brought stuff home to work on them here...

Instead, I got a few groceries, made supper, cleaned K's room, my room & the office, K & I vacuumed the upstairs, folded one load of laundry & put another in the washer.

oh...AND dealt with no less than 3 drama queen meltdown's.....

Now it's off to bed, to bed...I can't even see straight...

SURE ...I get approval to do 2 hrs of overtime tonight and can't even see straight to act on it!!!

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