locus_ofcontro: (Default)
I am starting to believe we are all effectively self-serving people.  I think the difference amongst us, is whether we are honest about it or not.

I know that in many of my relationships, I'm self-serving.  Some of these are good gigs.  I pay for the service of coming home to clean space.  I pay for someone to care for my daughter.  These things give me space and time to do other things that matter to me.

In non-paying relationship - let's see...co-workers - I have converstations with them to normalize what I do, and to gain from their experience.  I get stress relief, comraderie and shared experiences.  I see that they get the same things too.  It's self-serving for each of us, but mutually beneficial.  We don't have to say "HEY, I"M USING YOU TO FEEL LIKE I CAN HANDLE THIS JOB"...it's kind of a given.  Even at the workplace, I only spend time with those that actually serve that need for me.  There's others around who don't serve that need, so I don't spend time with them and build actual relationships.

In my social network - I have people who also serve my needs.  I have spaces I go to because I feel safe there, with them, and have a need to feel that.  I'd like to think they let me come, because I serve some kind of need for them, even if it's only humour when I've left!.  I have people, who serve my self-awareness needs, who challenge me, who serve my physical needs, my need to feel desired.

Everyone in our life serves a need for us.  In most cases, those needs are reciprocated in some fashion or another.  Paid for financially, provided mutual help/support/caring/challenge etc. 


 

We each, make deposits and withdrawels from our "needs" bank (I'm reading a book that calls it a "Love Bank" but that phrase does not suit my current purpose).  We generally STAY in relationships, when the balance is in the bank is about equal. 

I know I have relationships where that balance is not equal.  In fact, it is not intended to be equal.  I have deliberately communicated that I do not intend to reciprocate in the needs category any more than what I'm prepared to deposit.  I've been honest about that.

Does that honesty, if we were to communicate with all our relationships, become brutal honesty?

Moving beyond that, cause my brain is running WAY faster than I can type right now...

At what point do we become aware that the balance is just TOO unequal.  That the withdrawels from the needs bank, are tapping us out.  That we're constantly looking for a deposit that's not going to come.  At what point, do we "cut our losses" from the investment and walk away?
 


locus_ofcontro: (Default)
A challenge was issued last night and I failed it. I have been ruminating on it and other things, and know why. I have all kinds of justfications and reasons I can profer, but none of them are "real".

What's real is that I externalized the challenge and did not take it into challenging MYSELF. I forgot a vital piece of this whole living thing.

Living is different from being alive. Karaoke is not something I would "chose" to participate in, and the reasons why are foolish. They come from my sense of "OTHER PEOPLES EXPECTATIONS AND JUDGEMENT." But here's the thing.

I love to sing songs, I'm proud of knowing the lyrics to things and enjoying singing along with my radio. Yet. I. Would. Not. Sing.

Sure, I played along, put my name in...but I left before it could be called.

I've sung the song since, this morning to the trees, and birds and the calm waters of the lake.

But in reality, this is yet another example in my life of how I get in my own way. I forget that it's about MY sense of what is fun, MY sense of what is ok. Not other peoples expectations, demands. If my voice is that bad, they can cringe and cover their ears!

I missed that was lesson I was supposed to get at midnight last night. I did not understand it until this morning when I started to think about what really happened there.

New Rule for Rebecca - if you go to Karaoke - you WILL SING at least one song. Because that is what makes it fun. For all the same reasons, you will dance when music is playing and smile at your daugther's antics.

LIVING - is getting out of your own way, and doing it because it's an experience, and new, and ...challenging...


Who's coming sky-diving this year? I messed up, I didn't make it a priority last summer, even though I said I would. I continually got in my own way. I keep waiting for someone to give me a push.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)

I'm engaged in a situation that's forcing me rapidly to look at how I respect myself and match that to how I get my needs met.

In the last few years, I've gotten better at acknowleding my physical needs for what they are and more recently what I need on an emotional level as well.

I've always tried to separate the two.  That is not what I want anymore.

This is coming from the desire for something, and the immediate sense that I have to bend to get it.  I have to compromise my own sense of what is "safe" and what is not.  As I just stated in a txt message, I weigh my sense of risk and excitement very carefully.  I got a 'curt' reply.  And my instinct is to jump in and make it all better so I don't lose the bit that I want....I could do that if I was willing to give up my sense of what would be safe.

I haven't.  This is a first.  I'm willing to negotiate the point, and have safe parameters in mind, but I'm not willing to initiate that negotiation.  Someone who flat out refuses to acknowledge my need to feel SAFE, doesn't respect me.

I respect myself more than that. This is a ...relatively new feeling.  And it's a good thing.

locus_ofcontro: (Work)
 
I hate days like this.
 
My Virgo tendencies are HIGH… which means I’m paying so much attention to detail and “getting the story straight” that it comes across like I’m “out to get them.”  So much for the strength’s perspective!!
 
I try to avoid direct client contact on these days. But they are great for my gathering of documentation and “facts” from collaterals in order to have things ready for court if that ever becomes necessary. My challenge becomes losing the sight of the forest, for the trees.
 
Oh and yeah… they are hormonally related. Thankfully I have some drive time today that will allow me to separate my….anal-retentiveness from my relationship building/maintaining skills.
 
Course, I’ve had to talk myself OUT of apprehending at least once today!!!
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
I am finally ready to admit I'm stressing.

As I look around the disaster that is my house, the lack of proper preparable food, out of cat's food & water, needing to mop, do laundry, vacume and all the other things that doth MAINTAIN my world and realizing that not only am I NOT dealing with these things, I'm also not dealing with any of the heavier stuff I need to be dealing with.

Like...figuring out how co-residing is gonna work, or not...figuring out finances, committments, schedules...a divorce.

Dealing with the emotional onslaught that spending time "re-membering" myself is creating in me, and the subsequent anger, resentment and self-abuse that goes along with it.

Dealing with the emotional connumdrum that the re-introduction of a old friend has created for me, and the challenge that universe is throwing at me in that arena.

Dealing with my work load, the new standards, recording packages, time-lines and managing around vacations schedules and balancing the authority the compassion.

Dealing with my need to find a space of silence in my brain.

Dealing with my chronic poor sleeping patterns, the random irrational thoughts that swarm my brain, and the moments of my eyes filled with tears while my mouth fills with harsh words.

Dealing with parenting a child from whom I feel very disconnected right now.

I'm here. I'm burying myself in "feel good" things that are not necessarily good for me and not long term solutions. I'm evading and avoiding and hiding. And somehow, just telling myself to "get a grip" is not helping.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
This is such a public venue at times... I'm looking to write and find I'm writing for all the wrong reasons when I'm writing here right now.

The silence is not deliberate...so much as it's a space to seek coherence. When I have something coherent to share, I will. Meantime I'm here and reading and listening and learning.

Rumination

Mar. 21st, 2007 09:36 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
How much room do our brains really have?...

How many different topics can your brain ruminate about all at once...? Even just one can make me a cranky girl when my head is all absorbed in understanding some nuance of myself...or processing some fresh experience or emotion...

Right now, there's many things roaming around in there... none of which I've taken the time to truly pull apart and look at in the cold harsh light of my reality....

Is it this venue holding me back? Is it not really knowing the right questions to ask myself?

I'm so very blessed in so many spaces of my life right now that it's hard to even remember how alone I've felt in the past. I'm enjoying just being. And I think that's ok.

Uh....huh.

Mar. 17th, 2007 05:29 am
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
March 17, 2007

Honest Intimacy
Virgo Daily Horoscope

A desire for intimacy today may find you trusting your loved one enough to open
yourself to a deeper and more honest relationship experience. When we take the
chance to share our private selves with a special someone and are met with
acceptance, it can intensify our romantic feelings and create a stronger bond.
Though society often talks of intimacy as purely physical, true intimacy
involves revealing our hearts and souls as well. To know each other intimately
means to have profound understanding of the most personal and private aspects of
one another’s being. It means to know not just the personality that the world
sees but the innermost thoughts, fears, and dreams that motivate the choices
your partner makes. By following your desire for intimacy today, you are
connecting with a loved one on a soul-to-soul basis.

The unfolding of intimacy in the early stages of a relationship can be deeply
moving. But levels of intimacy grow over time, throughout the lifetime of a
partnership. We can only express so much of ourselves in words, and it can be
difficult to be completely honest with ourselves, so the information we give our
partner is limited to what we ourselves understand. But over time mannerisms and
actions reveal more to our partner than perhaps we ever knew about ourselves.
This is how relationships reflect us back to ourselves and help us grow. By
opening yourself up to this experience today, you are embracing intimacy—one of
life's deepest and most profound feelings.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
Who ever said that me drinking a whole bottle of red wine when home alone, was a good idea????


LIED

Man, now I remember why I don't drink anymore.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
March 1, 2007

Essential Authenticity
Revealing Your True Self

Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light-pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.

At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.

Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
or just a rising awareness?


I'm seeing connections, and patterns that indicate a raising of consciousness about so many things. I'm not even sure I can label it, but it's everywhere...

1. Shift your perspective
2. Accept responsibility
3. You create your own reality
4. Be vulnerable
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
January 22, 2007

The Joyful Flow -Good Vibrations

Feelings vibrate, just as all things in the universe do, at a particular frequency. Negative feelings like anger, guilt, and depression vibrate at low frequencies, while positive feelings like joy, appreciation, and passion vibrate at high frequencies. These high frequency vibrations make us feel good. This is why people and places that inspire and cultivate positive feelings have what we call good vibrations.

Good vibrations inspire health, happiness, and optimism. When we are tuned in to good vibrations, our bodies heal, our hearts open, and our minds shift toward the light. We see new possibilities and feel powerfully energized to follow our inner visions. At the same time, we feel relaxed and capable of manifesting these visions without giving in to stress or struggle. Good vibrations put us in a state of perfect receptivity so that we feel it is the energy flowing through us that accomplishes what needs to be done. We feel guided, supported, protected, and nourished within this joyful flow. We sometimes forget that we are allowed to feel this way all the time.

Lower frequency vibrations are not bad in a moral sense, but they are bad in the sense that they simply don't feel good. Still, they have a purpose, which is to alert us to the fact that we are blocking out the higher frequency vibrations that we need to function well. They are a call for healing ourselves from within. The key to our healing lies in remembering that it is our birthright to feel good and that feeling good is the essence of our true nature. When we are receiving and sending out good vibrations, we are in the flow. When we are not, we can begin to raise our vibration by seeking out people, places, and situations that vibrate at a higher frequency. Whether we need to go on retreat or just call a friend who makes us laugh, seeking out those good vibrations and basking in them is a sacred and loving practice that returns us, time and again, to the joyful flow of the universe.

Emancipation Day - Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may be feeling emancipated today, as you find that you have let go of previous personal burdens. This lightness of being gives you a sense of freedom to create the life you truly want. Until we let them go, we may not fully realize the extent to which past hurts and concerns have drained our energy. When we begin to unplug from these encumbrances and let them go, we feel our energy renewed as we plug back into ourselves. This gives us the incentive we need to determine where else we have connected ourselves to situations, people, or emotional issues that we no longer want to supply with our energy. We have a new chance today to create a better life when we free ourselves from unnecessary emotional and spiritual weights.
The more of the past we release from our load, the more fully present we can be. We are doing the work of calling our spirit back from the places we have sent it and invested it. The past can serve to help us grow, but there is no need to carry it around like a beast of burden; it will always be accessible to us in our memories. The present is the only place we can use the energy we have available to us, and it is where we create and experience life. The more we focus on the here and now, the more energy we have to create the life we want to live.

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