locus_ofcontro: (Boring Update)
I'm still new to so much of these "conversations" and I'm now working through them with someone for whom even the language I use is alien. That being said, we're both here, and both talking.

[ profile] shadoridr's inaugural tribal gathering went, ...well, I believe. He likes my friends (and really, whats not to like??)

A few awkward sensations as [ profile] zagatto and I learn to be out together without being together and having Katina in the middle. But overall, a positive experience in my book.

My calendar for the week is....busy. I'm tired. I'm feeling connected.

All good things. Going for more snuggles cause I think...I'm UP for the day.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
from : Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

"It is easy to get into the habit of judgment. Once we begin to judge people, things and circumstance, judgment can rule our inner and outer dialogue. An inner dialogue (the mental conversations we are constantly having with ourselves) of judgment creates nothing but restlessness and discontent. An outer dialogue of judgment destroys honest and open communication, because none of us want to make ourselves vulnerable if we sense we will be shot down by judgement...... Judgment is one of the great poisons that kill relationships......The ability to suspend judgment is an essential characteristic if we wish to explore the very depths of intimacy. The path that leads to intimacy is blocked to those who are unwilling or unable to practice non-judgment."

Hrm...I have lots of those inner dialogues, the ones that cause restlessness and discontent. They are the voices in my head that tell me that I don't measure up, that that person doesn't really like ME, that I'm not good enough. Those inner dialogues can paralyze me in so many ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are the dialogues that I see so many of my clients have with themselves. They turn to drugs, alcohol and many other vices to drown out their own inner judgment. What do I turn to?
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)

One of the most common problems couples complain about is communication. In our mentoring work we are continually confronted with couples who believe they can "work out" their differences simply by talking. But, thoughts, language and the use of words make up just one form of comunication. We debate, dialogue, question, complain, argue, pursuade, cajole, profess, and in various other ways use words to convey information. When couples get trapped into thinking that words alone are what communication is all about relationships - even really good ones - tend to get bogged down in endless rounds of verbal processing.

While talking is vital, and most couples can use help in saying what they are experiencing, communication goes far beyond the spoken word. Marcia and I often remind couples, "Less talk generally equals more expression." Couples who rely exclusively on words often end up "discuss-dead." Expression, on the other hand, happens on multiple levels. Our emotions, actions, and physical contact are vital aspects of full expression.

Emotionally, couples communicate when they laugh, cry, tremble in fear, release their anger, reveal their delight and express needs, love and gratitude. This is not just saying words, but actually opening up to the real emotions. Most of us are cued into certain feeling states and cut off from others. One may feel anger but be unaware of need-- another may be able to cry but not express clear "self-affirming" anger. What feelings do you have trouble expressing?

Behavioral communication is essentially how we "speak" through our actions. Do you notice how your partner converses in behavioral language? Does s/he let you know you are important, protected, adored, feared, disliked, or ignored? Actions do indeed speak louder that words, yet they are often overlooked. Recently, a woman was complaining about her spouse's lack of sharing. I asked her to give an example of when she knew how he really feels about her. She recalled a time recently when she had been away from home for a long and exhausting day and she didn't get home until very late. He had to leave on a trip before she arrived, but when she finally got there she went to the bedroom and found her favorite pajamas folded and layed out on top of her pillow. He had spoken to her very clearly.

Physically, it may not be an over-statement to say that our ability to make bodily contact is our primary mode of communication. Couples can talk about their problems until they are "blue in the face", but unless there is pyhsical connection they will never really surmount their differences. Full intimacy involves touch. If couples wait until they "talk out" their problems before they touch or make love, they may be in for a very long wait. So much is communicated through our tenderness, erotic contact, comforting, playfulness and everyday physical contact that words are insufficient to describe it. Couples who are physical are communicating on the most elemental of levels.

In our mentoring work we engage couples on all these levels. Anything less is inadequate communication. Learning to express our emotions, meet each other through touch, and reveal ourselves through our actions are as essential to communication as the words we speak.
locus_ofcontro: (Poly Spice)
"It's Your Fault!"
Disengaging from the Cycle of Blame

You wake up in the middle of the night asking yourself "Am I really miserable to be around?" This is what your spouse had suggested earlier in the day during a conflict over where to go this coming weekend. The phone conversation with your lover ends badly and for the remainder of the day you cannot shake off its effects. An argument you have during a 3 hour car trip to your in-laws leads nowhere and tension permeates the dead air.

cut for length )

Take a look at the routine ways your relationship gets bogged down in blame. Perhaps it would help to admit, at least to yourself that you have a negative intent to make your partner feel badly. Maybe you can extricate yourself from the blame box and ask your partner to reveal the mystery behind the things she does that frustrate you so much. Are you willing to know the rest of the story, or are you content to dither about in the domain of blame? You do have a choice.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)

If you have called or txted my cell phone since I got back from Singapore. I do not know it. I've found the voice messages. Not the texts. Uhm..

Yeah. I'm a dweeb. I'm recovering.

On my Mind

Apr. 2nd, 2007 09:44 am
locus_ofcontro: (Work)

April 2, 2007

Centering And Expressing


When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible.


Sometimes problems arise in the process of expressing how we feel, but it is always worth it to do the work. Even in our less intimate relationships, expressing ourselves honestly is essential to our sense of well-being. Whether at home with family or in the outside world, successful communication requires some forethought; otherwise we risk blundering through our relationships like the proverbial bull in a china shop. However, too much forethought can stifle us or cause us to pad our words so extremely that we end up saying nothing at all or confusing the matter further. The good news is that there are many methods that can come to our rescue, from meditation to visualization to journaling.

If the person we need to communicate with is open to sitting in meditation together for a set period of time before speaking, this can be invaluable. When we are calm and centered, we can count on ourselves to speak and respond truthfully. We can also meditate on our own time and then practice what we need to say. A visualization in which we sit with the person and lovingly exchange a few words can also be a great precedent to an actual conversation. If writing comes easily, we can write out what we need to say; it may take several drafts, but we will eventually find the words. The key is to find ways to center ourselves so that we communicate meaningfully, lovingly, and wisely. In this way, we honor our companions and create relationships in which there is a genuine sense of understanding and respect.


Mar. 17th, 2007 05:29 am
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
March 17, 2007

Honest Intimacy
Virgo Daily Horoscope

A desire for intimacy today may find you trusting your loved one enough to open
yourself to a deeper and more honest relationship experience. When we take the
chance to share our private selves with a special someone and are met with
acceptance, it can intensify our romantic feelings and create a stronger bond.
Though society often talks of intimacy as purely physical, true intimacy
involves revealing our hearts and souls as well. To know each other intimately
means to have profound understanding of the most personal and private aspects of
one another’s being. It means to know not just the personality that the world
sees but the innermost thoughts, fears, and dreams that motivate the choices
your partner makes. By following your desire for intimacy today, you are
connecting with a loved one on a soul-to-soul basis.

The unfolding of intimacy in the early stages of a relationship can be deeply
moving. But levels of intimacy grow over time, throughout the lifetime of a
partnership. We can only express so much of ourselves in words, and it can be
difficult to be completely honest with ourselves, so the information we give our
partner is limited to what we ourselves understand. But over time mannerisms and
actions reveal more to our partner than perhaps we ever knew about ourselves.
This is how relationships reflect us back to ourselves and help us grow. By
opening yourself up to this experience today, you are embracing intimacy—one of
life's deepest and most profound feelings.
locus_ofcontro: (Johnny The Homicidal Mania)
January 21, 2007

Open-Minded Diplomacy
Virgo Daily Horoscope

An open-minded sense of compromise may assist you today as you find yourself
mediating difficulties between others. Your diplomatic sensibilities allow you
to remain emotionally detached in order to see all possible sources of conflict
and their best solutions. Human nature is such that all cultures have understood
the need for an arbitrator or judge to settle disputes. Our minds seek evidence
to support the emotions we feel, which often escalate the feelings around the
initial conflict
. Each of us have a quiet observer within that is directly
connected to universal wisdom, and which sees but does not judge. When settling
disputes between others or seeking an answer to arguments raging in your own
mind today, connecting to the spirit within will help you to find the best

In seeking compromise, it is helpful not only to know what caused the
difficulty, but the interpretation of those involved. Often, the conflict arises
from how a person felt about a situation. Subtle miscommunication can be very
powerful, and very difficult to distinguish
. As human beings, we communicate on
many different levels. Verbally, we use subtext as well as inflection to express
our feelings. Non-verbally, we employ body language, facial expressions, and a
host of other cues. Then, our minds interpret these cues according to our own
filters of experience and expectation.
With so much at play, it is important to
tap into the wisdom of an observer who has access to the bigger picture. When we
use our diplomacy today, we connect to the wisdom within us that leads us to the
right conclusions.


locus_ofcontro: (Default)

January 2015



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