locus_ofcontro: (Kids)
Parenting is both a delight and a challenge, as well as an interesting way of studying the evolution of relationships.

K has a friend across the street. She's older than K, but again I'm seeing the same dramatic swings of love/hate, dominance/submission with this girl that I watched with her other friends all the way back to her first day care. Let's see if I can record them right.

There was Patrick - who regularly pushed her off the fire truck but was the ONLY person she wanted to invite to her birthday party. That was the reptile party, not sure if that was her 3rd or 4th party. 4th I believe.

There was Carley - who was alternately mean to her (by K's statements) and K worshipped the ground she walked on. I still hear about the things Carley has taught her.

There is Rowan - these two trade off with who's in charge in their relationship and who calls the shots. Sometimes one of them will storm off in a huff, and they have to play separately for a bit. Generally they work things out but man, the DRAMA!!

Now there is B - across the street. On the blackboard, from Thursday and it's attendant drama , is "I HATE B****".
B was with us from after school friday to after 5:00pm and there was no problem! They played well.
I discussed with B's mother today, looking after K when I go back to work and K was THRILLED.
Today she was very excited to go over and spend time with her. After about an hour and a bit, she came STORMING back with tales of how she "didn't want to be in that situation" and "so I left". There were bits of the other girl "told me to leave" and a myriad of arguements. As she talked, the story changed.
I told her friendships are hard and it's ok if they need a break right now. She said "I hate her' and took the christmas card she had JUST written and hid it, saying "she may never get it."

About 15 min later, my phone rang. B called to talk to K. K took the phone upstairs and came back down with the card saying she was going over to B's house "RIGHT NOW, cause she had to eat 5 muffins and B had to eat 5 muffins". I told her that was fine.

These two children have STRONG personalities, and very different strengths for independance, time management and have clearly been parented differently. They grate on each other at times, but sometimes can't stand to be apart. They are both basically only children and seek companionship, comfort and challenge from each other.

I can't help but sometimes be reminded by what I remember of my own friendships of childhood, and even the relationships I have today at times. Learning to assert yourself, negotiate boundaries, and share stregnths is a difficult thing in any relationship.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
seems to be cropping up all over the place.

Now it's at work. I'm stealing a page from much_ado there by reminding people that it's important to communicate expectations in all relationships, even friendships... While I try to keep my head down as my 2 closest colleagues throw stones at each other....

It is seriously making me consider the whole - you wanna be my friend, ok sign this contract here - idea!!

on an off note, my rice cooker and I do not like each other.

The Abyss

Nov. 1st, 2008 12:04 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
Last night was interesting...

I got brilliant earlier in the day and decided I'd make friends with the inner abyss and that's what I would be for Hallowe'en. So, I dressed all in black, blackened my hair, and taped the words "the abyss" over my chest....
Wore that, dropped Kat off with her dad for hallowe'en and found myself with 3 hrs or so to kill before party time....

I came home....wallowed in the abyss for a while. And then went to change. I recalled that the "wedded one" had asked if I'd be a gypsy with her...
So...out came the garb, the veils, the fancy skirts, and the dangles.....

Wrapping myself in my veils felt very much like coming home....putting my makeup on in the mirror, felt...real, and present.... THIS is the way I'm comfortable. I can hold this, wear this, be this... It's a light in the abyss, that I'd forgotten was there....

Off I went...feeling a tad odd, wearing what for me was often an SCA costume to a party where lots of those would be there.... I've not been to an event in years....I guess for me that really does make it a costume.... It also fels like being home...

I'd indulged a bit before I got there....and the paranoia and pleasant flow of the thoughts in my mind... *I so love the insight I get when I've indulged*...was distracting and intensified my focus all at the same time...

Epiphanies? People are not real to me until I've had an experience of bonding with them, a good conversation, a touch... I can see them over and over at the same places, and not recall their name. I do not talk to many people. I wandered to the party, seeing familiar faces and being unable to focus on them, as my mind raced into new insights and awarenesses...
I indulged in memories of me when I could manage these events, be open and responsive and connect.... I indulged in self-pity, frustration and challenge.

I faced an energy that wanted to "pull your heart out of your back and wipe it off from all the darkness hiding it right now." Faced, asked...and ran. It was a bittersweet interaction, in that I was willing to admit what I wanted, but could not handle the offer to recieve it. I took what I could savour of the energy, the good will, and wide open LOVE...that reminded me of Spirit, and Goddess and warm moonlit nights in wide open spaces.... and I ran.

All in all, an interesting evening. I started my day with a bath...unusual for me...but healing, calming and nurturing... Little things are getting done, in 15 min increments, it's about all I can do right now... I had breakfast, am pondering lunch... There's a fellow likely to touch base later in the day, and I have an open invite to Cambridge to hang with ladies from work with a glass or two of wine.

Things I considered & didn't do:

- slide into the hot tub before anyone else remembered it was there
- STAY, crash there...
- Bring home the energy and feed what I need

None of t hese would have been bad things...but all would have involved more ...self-assurance than I have right now. I entertained them, weighed the risks.... and didn't do. Maybe next time.
locus_ofcontro: (Boring Update)
So. Let's see. What's new?

First of all, my front steps. About 3 weeks ago, the bottom step started coming loose and has been increasingly rocky. With a fervour that defies description, I employed my master skills of destruction on the front steps, and one of the shrubs in the front flower bed, yesterday.

As is par for the course, my skills of destruction are remarkably overshowed by my lack of skills of CONSTRUCTION. Now, I'd thought it would be fairly straight forward, replace the stringers, replace the top...all done, new steps.

uh... No.

The universe has, fortunately, blessed me with people like [ profile] knotty_mark and his gloriously TOLERANT love, [ profile] ladygiggles, who ensured I had a secure, stable and remarkably SOLID set of new steps prior to leaving my abode this afternoon.

In other notes, I've been, somehwat ordered off work for a couple of weeks. A few reasons, not the least of which is the new medication that I've been prescribed for my "restless leg syndrome." Tonight I will take my first dose of" Pramipexole". The information phamplet warns that "some people taking pramipexole have reported falling asleep suddenly during their usual daily activities, (e.g. talking on the phone, driving.) In some cases, sleep occurred without any feelings of drowsiness beforehand." Uh...what? That's right. One of the side effects is, narcolepsy. Granted, it's a rare effect, but still....that being said, the choice to continue NOT getting sufficient REM sleep to replenish my body, mind and...spirit... I'll risk the medication. I've had enough close calls while driving as it is, by not getting sleep, I dont' mind parking the car and trying to remedy the situation. I'm told to expect my CPAP machine by the end of the month, and that it will make a world of difference in my life, motivation, health and outlook. I can't wait. Oh...we're also removing the potentially crazy making hormonal influence to help me ...NOT yell at my boss in the hallway.

I watched The Golden Compass last night, snuggling with [ profile] curgoth after a lovely dinner at The Rude Native. Yum....fiddleheads!! Great movie, so totally setting up for the sequel. I remember listening to this series (His Dark Materials) while commuting and wondering then, what animal my demon would have settled into. That's a pondering moment.

I have a dull ache in my muscles from my busy day of destruction yesterday, which included using my new push mower on the very long grass in my back yard, ripping out a damn shrub, destroying my front steps and generally getting up to whatever mayhem & mischief I could.!! It's a good ache...but a hot bath with epsom salts will be a welcome end to this day.

I'm away

Mar. 21st, 2008 09:35 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)

The sick child is asleep at Grandma's.

I'm at my girlfriends (the one who SHOULD have been my maid of honour way back when)...getting drunk and ready to go out dancing.
Had a lovely evening with the gentlest touch I've ever experienced last night, after hours of hell in my own head...

Despite the random noise in my is not all bad.

locus_ofcontro: (Open)
One of my newer friends, [ profile] gmhedon, is articulate and bright...

Friend him, and take a read...
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
The house of chaos welcomes you as we attempt to bring some Christmas cheer to it, through decorating... There will be a tree to put stuff on, a gingerbread house to decorate (expect the 5 year old on that one!!)...and willing participants to play scrabble.

BYO...whatever...nothing formal, nothing fancy.

Sunday Dec 2nd, 2007 from 3:30 - ....we kick you out!!!

RSVP here please.. .so I have SOME idea of #'s...
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
Yup, in theatres even... I took advantage of K's absence and not needing to arrange a sitter or even leave someone else in charge...

Collected a dance friend....and saw a movie...

I saw Beowolf....can you say...CHEESY????

Laughed my butt off....I needed that!!!
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
I have CD's.
I want them in my new computer...

What's the best program for me to use???? hrmmmmmm
locus_ofcontro: (Work)

The new family is moved in....settling has begun.  There's likely to be a slight delay in interweb connectivity expect some silence from the household.... I'm posting from work right now.

Yup work.  Still have a killer sore throat and a desire to curl into a ball and sleep, but I'm at work.  Thank ghods for Ibuprofen and Tylenol.  WHY you ask?  Cause my supervisor guilted me on Wed!!!  And now I'm here.  Trying to find a kid on my caseload who appears to be AWOL and a 14 yr old girl from a file I closed (in the summertime) who also appears to be AWOL..... Will be attending with Police on that one this afternoon.....

This weekend, I'm headed first to my mom's to deliver my kidlet for a visit, than off to Belleville for a visit with 

[profile] shadoridr help read some paperwork he's dealing with, and generally get some F2F time...then collect kidlet and go home..

Sunday evening will see the first of the "household" meetings.

Mon & Tues see me in Brantford for Forensics Training, and catching up with clients in the evenings (yup..planning on doing some O/T to catch up from this hell-cold) ... so I don't in trouble in Supervision on Wednesday.

I'm tired of being tired, and sore... and behind at work.  Have to find time for some blood work to be done (FULL WORK UP's been a while...)  Looking forward to these meds actually resolving the sore throat so that it's GONE.  I'm alternating between Hot and Cold stuffs to keep me going.

gah....time to head out.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
I'd like to request that I re-start this vacation day, with the added ability to FINISH sleeping through the sleeping pill effects in order to  wake up feeling rested and not groggy.

I figure if I can re-do that, the rest should be fairly easy.  NOT having to fight with K about wearing her "summer weddings' dress to school, NOT having to argue with K about eating her breakfast and NOT having to argue with K about getting in the damn car to go to school.

If I can do that, then I could have showered BEFORE the home appraiser got here.

*sigh*  I'm shifting gears, really I am.  NEW PLAN (just to prove I can, indeed, be flexible).

I'm going to go shower now, call up [personal profile] trinshadow , go there and get the scoop on picking up my 2nd child this afternoon.  Come back, do some cleaning (mostly basement & cat stuff), go pick up 2nd child, pick up my own child, and depending on the time, MAYBE going to a work goodbye party for a colleague in Guelph.  Returning to have dinner (which is ham/potatoe/creamcheese soup and in the crock pot) with [profile] knotty_mark and possibly [profile] zagatto if he's interested.  Turning all this into a low-key evening, that may or may not involve a meditative state of zen and possibly a movie.

*sigh*  Guess that means shower   ....  Now.
locus_ofcontro: (Open)
I had coffee with a friend the other night who has, at times, asked some pointed questions to me at times when I’ve been challenged to get focussed. The first time he did that, he asked me “if your primary relationship is not meeting your primary needs, why are you in that relationship?”
The other night, when discussing my lack of movement on settling my finances and arrangements to allow the termination of my marriage to move forward, he asked me, “what need is the procrastination serving for you?”
Damn him. He makes me think. And as such, things will slowly be moving forward, with a phone call today, home appraisals tomorrow.  And again. I say Thank You and I wonder at the universe that has surrounded me with such loving, helpful, authentic people. As per always, you inspire me.

Slow Start

Jul. 3rd, 2007 07:39 am
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
It was almost 11pm when we got in last night.  NOTE to self, do NOT drive on the Holiday Monday of the Canada Day long weekend!!!

Quick notes from our weekend...

Kat got eat alive mosquitos and has bites ALL over her face **(and currently REFUSES to wake up)

I broke my baby toe

My Grandpa et al cleaned the corrosion off my car battery

I worked...

I found more pieces of who I need to remember

Discovered a whole new level to the definition of "awkward"

Found a space of contentedness
locus_ofcontro: (Open)
June 29, 2007

Capturing The Thrill
Do What Excites You

Each human life has the potential to be dramatic, thrilling, and awe-inspiring. Our lives are, in truth, ours to design. Each day, we make choices that influence the character of our experiences, and our decisions determine whether our paths are rousing or tedious, breathtaking or tiresome. We can create an exciting life by simply doing what excites us whenever the opportunity presents itself. Your passions may ebb and flow, and what excites you one year may not excite you the next, but when you make excitement a regular part of your existence, life becomes more fun and more fulfilling.

If you are somebody that tends to live practically, excitement may overwhelm you at first. To ease the anxiety that prevents you from incorporating all that you find exciting into your life, acknowledge that you are alive right now in this time and every moment matters. When you choose to do more of what excites you, even if your choices requires you to make certain sacrifices, your daily life will soon be imbued with exhilaration, pleasure, and optimistic anticipation.

To understand what excites you, you may need to observe and ponder your reaction to the activities, events, circumstances, and concepts that make up your life. What makes your pulse race, what makes you want to get out of your chair and take action? Try to avoid getting too wrapped up in life’s details; their tedium may cause you to plod through your existence unaware of prospective excitement. Once you have created a substantial list of what excites you, find ways to integrate each item into your routine. You will soon find yourself riding a wave of excitement that lifts you up and makes life truly worth living. What excites you in your life?
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
WOW... what a huge crowd. I could not believe the numbers of people.

I parked up at York Mills and took the subway straight down Younge St. to Wellesley which put me right near the hostess's home for the day.

I finally met [ profile] mama_de_rose and her kidlet face to face. I had hoped the two 5 yr olds would hit it off but there was a language and interests barrier apparantly. K spent a fair portion of the day watching "TREEHOUSE" and only looking at the parade if I called her attention to something cool or beautiful, until towards the end when she snuggled on my lap and watched for [ profile] curgoth.

[ profile] mama_de_rose's little one was absolutely the opposite, leaning as far as she could out the window, waving her rainbow flag and singing gospel songs!!! It was adorable.

I put many LJ names to faces and truly felt comfortable hanging out with people I'd never met before. It was so very neat.

Afterwards, K & I headed through the chaos that was Church St. to connect with the RANDOM QUEER's crew. A few minutes hanging and K was starting to deteriorate just as the crew were heading back into the chaos. Initially intending to walk with [ profile] curgoth and the stunningly RED [ profile] neeuqdrazil, I soon spotted a sushi place and decided that feeding the child was of vital importance. She ate VERY well!!!

We then wandered back up Church to Wellesley and climbed back on the subway to collect our car. K fell asleep in short order and napped all the way home.

I did a drive by of my clients home (in Guelph) enroute to ensure that there was indeed a bin and stuff in it. *hurray*

I'm pleasantly tired. Motivated to participate and just lose myself in the throngs of people next year... People watching, being "compersive (is that a word)!! and enjoying the sense of comraderie I witnessed today is something that I would thoroughly enjoy.

What a truly wonderful experience. Thank you to all who helped put me at ease and encouraged me to come!
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
I started my day with a visit to messy house mom. I had to tell her that I've been given direction to speak with my lawyer, and send the message that either there is IMMEDIATE change or her young lad (14) will be living elsewhere. That conversation went as well as can be expected but DID result in a concerte plan where I'd provide her with a garbage bin for this weekend, and invite her family over for a work party. I SPENT ALL DAY ON THIS.

Meanwhile, crack mom's mom is calling me. REGULARLY and saying call me please. I call her back twice and tell her on her V/M BOTH TIMES... If you are having a concern DO NOT wait to talk to me, put it on my voicemail. SEE I can respond to concerns more quickly than I can make a voice to voice connection with people. I finally managed to connect with her at 5:30pm and her information was enough that IF I'd received it earlier in the day, I would have been to the home!!! LEAVE ME A DETAILED MESSAGE means just that. I can check my voicemail from the road people!!!

As a result, I had need of 2 home visits to happen this weekend by the after hours worker. I knew I was not gonna get the paperwok done (I had a safety to do, and a home visit as well) so spoke with MY boss who said to call it in with a glass of wine in my hand from the comfort of my home.

WELL, I finished my 6:30 home visit at 8pm and started trying to call the after hours supervisor. I received a call back from the AH worker who I'd already talked to and said I was waiting on the supervisor to call me. IT IS NOW 10:31 the NEXT DAY and I have not received a call back from that supervisor.

I'm not happy about this. If I had been standing in a home, or sitting in my car with CHILDREN, waiting for approval to take safety measures for the children, WTF would that be about. NOW granted, I'd have called back if that were the case, but that is not the point. The point is my yesterday isn't over. AND I still have case notes to write!!

I have a low level migraine (which may be medication withdrawel cause I forgot yesterday), it's a lovely day, my house is a mess and there's PARK activities this weekend.
I want to head to Waterloo Park for the reception, then to KW Multi-cultural Festival.

Tomorrow, I'd like to go to the Fairy Fest in Guelph then head to TO for PRIDE. I'm considering parking (out) and GO-busing or subwaying it into [ profile] mama_de_rose but I'm so very intimidated...It's been a while. Anyone want to connect with me to get me there!!! I'll have K in tow.

I am having NEEEEEEDDDSSSS right now, damnit.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
K has been bugging me for a while to spend time at school with her.  SO last Friday she said "in 5 days you'll come to be my show & share". 

Being the good mommy that I am, I compared schedules at work and booked a random vacation day for tomorrow.  Here's the plan.

(pack K's overnight bag!!)
2.  Make our way to school
3.  I'm her  "show and share" thing
4. She's gonna teach me
5. Stick around for play time & Lunch

6. Pick up stuff.
7. Pick up EON
8. Indulge in the rarest of vices for me
9.  Clean & do laundry under the influence.
10. Welcome BF for a visit in whatever way deemed necessary at the time
11.  Eat, more welcoming
12. Possible Dancing
13. More welcoming
14. Crash HARD.

Sat involves recovery and collecting the kidlet in time to head to friends for a random hangout that I know nothing about Saturday night.  It welcomes kidlets and that's all that matters. 
Sunday will hopefully include the GIG and time with my cousin & her family.

I'm grateful for the friends I have in my world.  It keeps me going.
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
Yup, he'll be coming home, not that long from now folks... .As K keeps telling me only 5 more Fridays...

In that light, it's time to get the party on the radar.

SATURDAY JULY 14 2007 _ anytime after 1pm, until we kick you out.

This will be a child-friendly event until....we decide it's time to send the kids home. This will be a bring your own EVERYTHING... I have chairs, bring more. Bring FOOD...come cook on the SEXY BBQ OF LLLUUUUUUUVVVVV. Bring your own beverages!!! CRASH SPACE AVAILABLE

I'll try to have a kiddie pool to keep the kids cool and munchables/drinks for them...

locus_ofcontro: (Boring Update)
So the general recap comes first. Then specifics under the appropriate filters.

Friday - woke feeling like H_E_double L, and so cancelled that thing called work and hied myself to the clinic. Where I recieved a tetanus shot to deal with the dog scratch and drugs to deal with burgeoning sinus infection that had kept me up all night.

2 Anti-biotics and a nap later, and I felt almost human. I was treated like the luckiest woman on earth when [ profile] k_calypso refused to change her plans and came home with me. We were joined shortly thereafter by the brave [ profile] the_nita and LB. K & LB had a blast with chalk and digging in the garden, as well as chowing down on HotDogs which were the inaugural meal on the BBQ.

While they were playing and the dogs were cookings, the lovely ladies assisted / totally ASSEMBELED my 10 piece patio set.!! I'm a lucky lucky lady.

We were later joined by [ profile] gracyelala and the beautiful little M who immediately joined the brigade. LB went home with his mommy and K & M became circus performers for the rest of us adults. When they could drag our attention away from DDR that is!

Sometime around midnight, the party came to an end with K being sent to bed, and M making her way home with her parents.

Saturday - we woke around 9 am, and struggled through coffee and morning visitations with the neighbours. I dropped [ profile] k_calypso off at the Brick, enroute to [ profile] trinshadow's to look after her weeboy so she and hubby could join the Beer Tour. As ever, weeboy charmed me thoroughly and by the time the folks got home, had me all cozied up on the couch, snuggling a boobie!!!

After a "full throttle" wake up, I headed to TO for dinner with [ profile] curgoth & [ profile] neeuqdrazil, before leaving for BENT. I enjoyed watching heads turn as the three of us meandered hand in hand through downtown TO.

BENT was a very full and busy environment. Suffice it to say, in this venue, that I left the hall around 4am, taking [ profile] knotty_mark back home, where he managed to live up to his name.

Sunday at 10:30am, the "I MISS YOU, MOMMY" call came in, and I struggled myself upright, into a cup of coffee, and a pleasant banter or two, with a significant insight for myself in the conversation with [ profile] ladygiggles and [ profile] knotty_mark. I proceeded to spend far too much time in my own head returning to Waterloo where I collected my child at chez [ profile] trinshadow.

Realizing I'd been abandoned by the ephemeral [ profile] k_calypso, I spent time instead with [ profile] gracyelala and the "other sister" letting M & K play around outside. I sat still and, possibly, dozed whilst my hair was twined into tiny braids and lamented my inability to "pull off" dreadlocks.

Upon arriving home, I realized that I'm indeed toasted and tired and should type out/process some stuff for them that needs to know, and just be still. I cancelled the DDR date for this evening with the hopes of postponing it for later in the week.

Speaking of later in the week.

On deck we have ...Scrabble for Monday (depending on K's mood and behaviour), DDR either Tues or Wed, [ profile] athena_51?? Thursday dinner?? please confirm...and there was a naughty mention from [ profile] knotty_mark for a possible Friday...Sat sees...[ profile] the_nita BDAY celebrations, and dinner with [ profile] neeuqdrazil (I'm hoping)...

Somewhere in there, I'm hoping to paint some as that STILL hasn't happened... LMAO.

So there you have it folks... A life. In the making.
locus_ofcontro: (RANTING)
It's been a rough night. Sinus drainage (that apparantly my mother also has) equals an unsettled stomach equals very very little sleep.
K is complaining of the same symptoms...

As I still need a tetanus shot due to my dog scratch!!

I'm staying home from work peeps, and taking myself to the walk-in clinic,... I'll update more later...BUT please note..

If you are planning on coming by this evening, you may be exposing yourself to something viral that affects your sinuses!!! and generally feels icky. I will understand completely if I spend the night in my own isolated little puddle of misery!!!


locus_ofcontro: (Default)

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