The Abyss

Nov. 1st, 2008 12:04 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
Last night was interesting...

I got brilliant earlier in the day and decided I'd make friends with the inner abyss and that's what I would be for Hallowe'en. So, I dressed all in black, blackened my hair, and taped the words "the abyss" over my chest....
Wore that, dropped Kat off with her dad for hallowe'en and found myself with 3 hrs or so to kill before party time....

I came home....wallowed in the abyss for a while. And then went to change. I recalled that the "wedded one" had asked if I'd be a gypsy with her...
So...out came the garb, the veils, the fancy skirts, and the dangles.....

Wrapping myself in my veils felt very much like coming home....putting my makeup on in the mirror, felt...real, and present.... THIS is the way I'm comfortable. I can hold this, wear this, be this... It's a light in the abyss, that I'd forgotten was there....

Off I went...feeling a tad odd, wearing what for me was often an SCA costume to a party where lots of those would be there.... I've not been to an event in years....I guess for me that really does make it a costume.... It also fels like being home...

I'd indulged a bit before I got there....and the paranoia and pleasant flow of the thoughts in my mind... *I so love the insight I get when I've indulged*...was distracting and intensified my focus all at the same time...

Epiphanies? People are not real to me until I've had an experience of bonding with them, a good conversation, a touch... I can see them over and over at the same places, and not recall their name. I do not talk to many people. I wandered to the party, seeing familiar faces and being unable to focus on them, as my mind raced into new insights and awarenesses...
I indulged in memories of me when I could manage these events, be open and responsive and connect.... I indulged in self-pity, frustration and challenge.

I faced an energy that wanted to "pull your heart out of your back and wipe it off from all the darkness hiding it right now." Faced, asked...and ran. It was a bittersweet interaction, in that I was willing to admit what I wanted, but could not handle the offer to recieve it. I took what I could savour of the energy, the good will, and wide open LOVE...that reminded me of Spirit, and Goddess and warm moonlit nights in wide open spaces.... and I ran.

All in all, an interesting evening. I started my day with a bath...unusual for me...but healing, calming and nurturing... Little things are getting done, in 15 min increments, it's about all I can do right now... I had breakfast, am pondering lunch... There's a fellow likely to touch base later in the day, and I have an open invite to Cambridge to hang with ladies from work with a glass or two of wine.

Things I considered & didn't do:

- slide into the hot tub before anyone else remembered it was there
- STAY, crash there...
- Bring home the energy and feed what I need

None of t hese would have been bad things...but all would have involved more ...self-assurance than I have right now. I entertained them, weighed the risks.... and didn't do. Maybe next time.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
I went up north to the Madawaska River, just at the base of the Algoniun Park. Absolutely beautiful. I went with T, who was my best friends boyfriend in High School. Facebook being the evil thing it is, I've been talking to him pretty regularly for almost a year. We've connected when I've been at my mom's for a quick visit at times and over Easter, that's who got my messed up self back home safely!!
He had work to do up there on the family Cottage, so I went with him. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised and welcomed the silence. I spend some hours on the dock, watching the waves, and a beaver float by me. I chased minnows, and picked wildflowers. I read Walt Whitman.
I confronted some prejudices of my own that I thought I'd given up, and smoked way too many cigarettes and more than one kind.
I recieved a massage that walked images through my head, that I still don't understand.

There was a lot of vulnerability. Emotionally, physically. We talked a lot. He's an interesting person and I'm grateful for the space I'm in now. Two years ago I couldn't have handled his ability to cut through to the quick and challenge what he perceives. I'm in a better space for that now.
Our goals are similar, our paths very different. But I've found another space I can feel safe.

I've been in my head a lot. And talking with T was a great challenge. I almost feel equal cause I think I"m challenging him on a few things too. There are questions I was asked that I don't have full answers too, like..."how can I complain about a sore nipple but talk about being flogged and whipped?" There's a deeper answer to that one, than I am aware and that's perculating under the surface right now. I have reinforced my awareness of my patterns of the people I choose to involve myself with. I've also reinforced that I can be emotionally neutral and still be honest and vulnerable and intimate. I know neutral sounds like a bad thing...but it's not in my head at this time what I would consider bad. At this time, it's simply needed.

I'm not sure where things will go from here, and am quite alright with that.

I started this post a while ago, and then laid down and FELL ASLEEP!!!! That was awesome. I have to run an errand, then I intend to sleep again. Maybe I'll be able to feel like I can handle my job like this.
locus_ofcontro: (RANTING)
Identify three things that you need in order to be emotionally fulfilled by your service and reflect on why
This could be done in only a few dozen words, but I'd rather you expand on these somewhat when reflecting on why you think they are as fulfilling as they are. Also, give me an some examples from your history or from your fantasies about how they have been emotionally fulfilling...

This is the homework I was assigned that was due last night. I haven't done it.

Point of fact, I haven't done any of the homework assignments to my satisfacation or at all. I'm going through a distinct period of "ambivalance" in the latest [ profile] much_ado definition. I have intense conflicted emotions about the outcome. A piece of me has the distinct desire and intense WANT to move forward in the process of digging into my submissive mindset. I have a desire to understand it in all it's layers and all it manifestations. This desire is currently fighting with the desire to feel "normal." To define myself as normal outside of the world of kink, bdsm, poly all of that. I'm questioning all my choices deep inside my head and my heart and NOT TALKING about it. This isn't good and definitely isn't respectful.

I know this, and yet have not made a deicsion on how to handle it. As a result, I've made a decision through my own inactions and lack of commitment, and piteous lack of self-discipline.

I'm terrified of moving anywhere. Moving forward with my kink desires, moving forward with my intentions for my backyard, my home, my relationships across the board. I'm stuck in a quagmire of questions that I'm avoiding answering cause each one requires a commitment. WhooHOO....I figured out recently that I have a legacy from the FOO, specifically my dad, that indicates I have a fear of committing. I'm terrible to try to make plans with cause I want to keep all my options open and not commit to anything. And verbal commitments... I can't even respect myself enough to honour those, let alone honour the people that I make them to.

I've disappointed someone whose opinion I respect. Even more, I've disappointed myself.

I can see what I'm doing, but don't know where to stop it. It's commitment, discipline,'s a sense of not even being worth it to MYSELF, for myself. It's fear of commitment. I'm stuck. Damnit.
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
ACOA (Adult Children of Alcohoics) live in a constant stated of duality. Warring inside between their innate sense of unworthiness (unworthy of love, emotional caring, and trust that they were denied in the chaos of their chilldhood) and their innate sense of entitlement. How does one feel unworthy and entitled at the same time...>VERY CHAOTICALLY.

Welcome to the space that is my head.

In one instant, I am feeling a sense that person A should WANT to at least remember my name, because... (pick a reason)....this sense of outrage that they DON"T want to remember my name (in my perception) is accompanied by the sense that I'm NOT worthy of their attention because....(pick a reason)

Seriously. Both these thoughts wage war on each other until one beats the other into submission, briefly, then they fight again on and on and on.

All rational thought aside, there's emotions that accompany this war. From anger and outrage, to abandonment and genuine hurt.

I'm good at the thoughts, I recognize them well when I take the time to slow everything down and hear's the emotions that I'm not so good at. You were only ever allowed to be angry in my house. It's really the only emotion I know well.

My CBT says I need to work on the emotional part, but where will I ever find the bandwidth to deal with my own emotional stuff when I'm so caught up in the work that I do. I come home, emotionally drained and dry. Where is there room in that for my own work. I risk crossing boundaries, sharing too much, empathizing with my clients and becoming enmeshed. It's not healthy. I see it.
How do I manage it.? Perhaps that is where the CBT will have to help me.
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
- "cause you have no self-esteem ya git"
- "it doesn't sound like identifying the thoughts is an issue for you, but maybe recognizing the feelings is more of a challenge"
- "it's so hot!"
-"txt or something so I know you got home alright!"
-"you're putting it out to the universe, whether you are conscious of it or not"
-"we'll have to work on that trust thing"

And in other news:
- had Martini's with my dancer friend J, and got my astrology update til October 2009!!
- spent silent time in my head
- spent NOISY time in my head....debrief thoughts going onto paper I think...need to sort out comfort issues with LJ!!

There are many meanderings in my written journal, that perhaps when the sun is not calling so loudly may get voice here.

For now....go play... it's bright today.
locus_ofcontro: (Poly Spice)
Anatomy of a Co-Dependant Relationship Nicole WilliamsRead more... )
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
Of my own patterns..

I like broken people. I have desires to rescue them. I draw them to me like butterflies. I see the "them before the bad stuff happened" and try to help them see it.

I get invested. The pattern is present, of itself it's not bad...Remaining aware of when I'm making decisions in the pattern, is VITAL.
locus_ofcontro: (Open)
I had coffee with a friend the other night who has, at times, asked some pointed questions to me at times when I’ve been challenged to get focussed. The first time he did that, he asked me “if your primary relationship is not meeting your primary needs, why are you in that relationship?”
The other night, when discussing my lack of movement on settling my finances and arrangements to allow the termination of my marriage to move forward, he asked me, “what need is the procrastination serving for you?”
Damn him. He makes me think. And as such, things will slowly be moving forward, with a phone call today, home appraisals tomorrow.  And again. I say Thank You and I wonder at the universe that has surrounded me with such loving, helpful, authentic people. As per always, you inspire me.


locus_ofcontro: (Default)

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