locus_ofcontrol (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
locus_ofcontro) wrote2004-12-31 03:08 pm
locus_ofcontro) wrote2004-12-31 03:08 pm
Wants vs Shoulds
Joe and I have had a good talk/argument today and have determined
another of our differences. He is at
determining what he wants... I'm not. My head and life is crammed
full of SHOULDs or MUSTs and I've never really made room to understand
my WANTs and NEEDs. I keep trying to get a handle on those but I still
lose track of them. I had a hell of a time writing a Christmas Wish
List. I think that's part of what attracted me to Joe in the first
place. His ready understanding and ability to say what he wanted and to
get it, regardless of the consequences. That same attraction is now
becoming an irritant. I think I had hoped I could learn how to do that
from him. But I haven't. I also believed that he would learn more about
SHOULDs from me. That hasn't happened either. It's an interesting
connundrum. Not only haven't I learned how to be forthcoming with
my
own wants (especially those that make me vulnerable) but I've grown to
resent how easy it is for him to volunteer his. Sometimes to the
complete disregard of anything I HAVE actually expressed. It's
kinda like
working backwards without a map. What's funny, is I already made
a
private resolution to start a "WISH LIST". Just an ongoing
journal of
things I want, both attainable and not so I can cross out those ones I
get and I can refer to it when someone asks me what I want or for a
wish list...
As for the SHOULDs...they are hard to balance. Things like, I should keep my child home and put her to bed at a reasonable hour, rather then drag her to a party because I can't stand to be a minute without her company and I like to show her off... Things like I should be generous with my stepson and give him the opportunity to hang out with the one other teenager in Canada he has met and enjoys, rather then drag him off somewhere he doesn't want to go and where he's likely to be irritated and irritating, or conversely let him stay home and enjoy time with his father (who isn't really interested in that either).
So once again, my biggest issue comes from not just taking care of my own needs and instead trying to be accomodating to someone elses feelings, needs, wants. You'd think I'd have learned by now....SELF CARE FIRST...
As for the SHOULDs...they are hard to balance. Things like, I should keep my child home and put her to bed at a reasonable hour, rather then drag her to a party because I can't stand to be a minute without her company and I like to show her off... Things like I should be generous with my stepson and give him the opportunity to hang out with the one other teenager in Canada he has met and enjoys, rather then drag him off somewhere he doesn't want to go and where he's likely to be irritated and irritating, or conversely let him stay home and enjoy time with his father (who isn't really interested in that either).
So once again, my biggest issue comes from not just taking care of my own needs and instead trying to be accomodating to someone elses feelings, needs, wants. You'd think I'd have learned by now....SELF CARE FIRST...