locus_ofcontro | fears & vulnerabilities

That's really what it boils down to. I spent way too long at the studio last night. Only to determine that I have no idea how to cheoreorgraph a piece. I have no clue what music I am performing to and frankly am about THIS CLOSE to backing off on the whole damn thing. Then I sat down to try to sort out what this mess is all about. And it's fear.

I'm terrified. I am terrified that I might be an ok dancer and that people paying me to teach them is a good thing. I'm terrified that these opportunities may grow into something that I LIKE. Something that might grow somewhere...Is this a dream? or a Want? safadancer know's how I feel about wants... Then there's the ugly side of being afraid. I'm afraid that I'm really NOT good enough. That I really shouldn't be teaching dance or sharing my knowledge. That I really CAN"T do it...And ought not to try.

That one's big. And brings a suitcase full of insecurities to with it. Most of them reflected in the mirror at the studio, involving stretch marks, upper arms from hell and just general malcontent with my appearance... The WHOLE package issues.... I know... Self-esteem issues... That's life...

Well, I've been typing while waiting for the alarm company to call me. Now they've called and it's time to get on with life.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i have a theory about teaching people anything:

communicating to people what you know is the *best* way to see for yourself what you know, what you don't know, and what you want to know.

being a teacher and having students in any craft is the coolest way to keep things new for you, and to find ways of keeping yourself challenged and motivated. yes it means work, and that scares off a lot of people, but the rewards are infinite.

and you know what - no one ever said you had to be *unafraid*. if fear is what keeps you on your toes, embrace it, baby :)

I'm not sure about Fear keeping me on my toes..too often I cave in to it... But I'm trying to grow throught that one. Thanks. Hugs.

My dear love,

It's terrifying to find something you want to give your heart over to: a husband, a baby, a passtime (like dance -- trust me, I know from all of these things). Not only do you have all that fear that comes from not being sure how to proceed with this, never wanting something enough before, being afraid you might lose it and not being sure what it is you might lose, but being afraid that after all your effort you might not be "good enough" to do it, whatever "it" might be.

My honey, you are such a strong person, with such an ability to love, it sometimes amazes me to realize that you so rarely turn that great love on yourself. You deserve as much love as you have to give. Trust your heart, ignore your head for just a little while -- don't let your raging voices tell you to turn away from what you love (or need to be loving: yourself).

As far as totally practical advice goes...yoga works wonders, both for self-love and flexibility and muscular toning. I felt so much more flexible in my dancing when I started regularly doing yoga (one mroe thing to do, I know, but think about it as part of dance practice -- or you could combine the two! Narah does that: she does a yoga pose and then figrues out how to work a bellydance move in: a shimmy in mountain pose, chest circles to come up from child's pose). I think you're already plenty beautiful, though...

Choreography is easier if you have a table of contents: write down ten moves you like, as simple or as hard as you want them to be. Think of ways you could string them together -- try doing them in different combinations. Figure out a pattern for the entire dance: floor formations, doing things in fours or threes or pairs, spins or turns, facing the rear, moving slowly-movingquickly-moving slowly or whatever. That will give you a major foundation. The advantage of thinking from a pattern is that you can repeat your moves over and over and use up big chunks of time. Also, songs of 5 mins. or less are kickass, despite cabarat dancers and their penchant for 14 min. songs. :)

One thing that can be a kicker for cool dances is accents. Do something very slow for a little while and then change your facial expressions or do a spin, or whatever.

Love,
me

Hi honey.
Thanks... As always...
Call me when you get a chance

fears & vulnerabilities

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FEAR

Dearie

Re: Dearie