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Back safely but no more enlightened
Jul. 26th, 2004 07:59 pmWell we're back from la grande road trip. It was a pretty good trip. I didn't kill J and that's probably a good thing, Katina didn't drive us crazy and that's probably better. Nah really, we had fun. But I'm no further ahead.
Point of fact, I think that I am further behind. I went to RTWS today. The deal is this, I can easily fill my days on this job hunting thing as a way to get my retraining justified and qualified for. But I can also fill my days with dance stuff.
I have a show booked for Sept18th at Chapters in Ancaster. I'm excited. The demo that R did for me went well apparantly and I'm likely looking at a contract there. I can do this dance thing full time. R doesn't understand what's stopping me. She nailed it on the head though - self-esteem issues. Fact of the matter is I don't think I'm good enough and I feel like a fraud. And I'm not entirely sure how to get over it.
J says we can make do on our EI income until about this time next year. That gives me time for both options - the grown up get retraining and get a job thing & the do what I want because it's dance and I love it thing.
Damn. On other sides- I found chyrstals again. WOW..I've missed them. There's so much J missed in my life. He doesn't remember chrystals and tarot cards. Chakra's and chants. But I'd walked from so much of that when I left high school. And here it is facing me again. Knocking on my head and telling me where I SHOULD have been. But how do I go there now. He would not likely have been on that path anywhere- let alone Katina. I'm not sure if I can integrate the pieces of who I was with who I am now. And how does all of this create the new me whatever that's gonna be. Anyone got a chrystal ball out there? Which path gets my resources? DO I book mornings to the socially correct? And afternoons/evenings to the mystical? Or vice versa? How do you integrate two such dichotomous realities.
Damn. I don't know who I am anymore and it's paralyzing me. Damn I hate this.
Point of fact, I think that I am further behind. I went to RTWS today. The deal is this, I can easily fill my days on this job hunting thing as a way to get my retraining justified and qualified for. But I can also fill my days with dance stuff.
I have a show booked for Sept18th at Chapters in Ancaster. I'm excited. The demo that R did for me went well apparantly and I'm likely looking at a contract there. I can do this dance thing full time. R doesn't understand what's stopping me. She nailed it on the head though - self-esteem issues. Fact of the matter is I don't think I'm good enough and I feel like a fraud. And I'm not entirely sure how to get over it.
J says we can make do on our EI income until about this time next year. That gives me time for both options - the grown up get retraining and get a job thing & the do what I want because it's dance and I love it thing.
Damn. On other sides- I found chyrstals again. WOW..I've missed them. There's so much J missed in my life. He doesn't remember chrystals and tarot cards. Chakra's and chants. But I'd walked from so much of that when I left high school. And here it is facing me again. Knocking on my head and telling me where I SHOULD have been. But how do I go there now. He would not likely have been on that path anywhere- let alone Katina. I'm not sure if I can integrate the pieces of who I was with who I am now. And how does all of this create the new me whatever that's gonna be. Anyone got a chrystal ball out there? Which path gets my resources? DO I book mornings to the socially correct? And afternoons/evenings to the mystical? Or vice versa? How do you integrate two such dichotomous realities.
Damn. I don't know who I am anymore and it's paralyzing me. Damn I hate this.
