Growing Up

So, I know I'm falling down on being an effective mom right now. I don't have sufficient resources to use my own self-discipline on myself, let alone extend that to K. I am not eating properly. Picking up after myself. Preparing meals. All the things I was doing so well with for a while, earlier on after zagatto left have fallen by the wayside. I simply can not bring myself to the space where I care!

I don't care whether or not I have lunch. I don't care if my food choices are healthy. I don't care if I step over the same piece of paper on the floor several times. I don't care whether or not I prepare a meal for her.

This is the space where I know that I'm falling into a depression and I can see it coming a mile away. I have a Dr. appt on Monday where the discussion will be a formal increase in my meds (I've been managing on my own on an increased dose due to having extra's on hand), and something to help me sleep. I also need to call my EAP and get an appt. booked in order to lay the ground work for what I can see is coming.

The slippery slope into the abyss is yawing wide before me. I keep trying to turn my head but it continues to mock me at the corner of my eye.

June 27, 2007

Unsettled Moodiness
Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may be feeling unsettled today as your mood swings take you from one emotional extreme to another. You may wish you could hide from the world and its stresses by locking yourself in the safety of your home, but that may not be feasible. If it is, by all means, find ways to comfort yourself and soothe your emotions. But if it is not, then you will need to find creative ways of getting through the day until you can hide yourself away. The easiest and most readily
available tool is your breath. By breathing deeply when you begin to feel out of sorts, you can reconnect to your center. In your center you will find the peace and quiet that you seek in the outer world. You carry within you at all times, only a breath away. Today by finding ways to connect to the peace within, you can weather any emotional storm.

We may be able to bring some of the comforts of home with us as we travel through the world. Perhaps some music or a photograph could bring to mind the sanctuary that you have created for yourself. This does not even need to be a
real place, but could be a vision you hold that helps you create a feeling of calm. If you don’t already have such a place in your imagination, you can create one now. By finding ways to connect to serenity wherever you are, you free
yourself today to weather stormy moods without having to hide from the world.  


And of course I'm on emergencies today.  I'm trying to hide out in my office with the door closed and work on recordings until something comes in that I HAVE to deal with.  I have 3:30 appt that is going to SUCK because I suspect there will be conflict between my position and the families and I don't have the resources to cope today.

I'm over tired, over emotionally involved in all the wrong things...and NOT giving myself brain space... There was a NICE bit of hair pulling and moderate pain that helped...but I need more.  

Getting through...by barely getting by.

I am cranky. S'all.