Growing Up

I worked til almost 6 last night.

I woke today in a full anxiety attack...tremors, racing heart the whole deal....

Chiro appt at 7:30am.

Hopefully that will help with the calms....

I'm gonna try working....if I can't settle the anxiety...

I'm leaving and coming home sick.  I'm not safe on the roads and with clients when I'm this shakey...

Friggin' sleep  

I am finally ready to admit I'm stressing.

As I look around the disaster that is my house, the lack of proper preparable food, out of cat's food & water, needing to mop, do laundry, vacume and all the other things that doth MAINTAIN my world and realizing that not only am I NOT dealing with these things, I'm also not dealing with any of the heavier stuff I need to be dealing with.

Like...figuring out how co-residing is gonna work, or not...figuring out finances, committments, schedules...a divorce.

Dealing with the emotional onslaught that spending time "re-membering" myself is creating in me, and the subsequent anger, resentment and self-abuse that goes along with it.

Dealing with the emotional connumdrum that the re-introduction of a old friend has created for me, and the challenge that universe is throwing at me in that arena.

Dealing with my work load, the new standards, recording packages, time-lines and managing around vacations schedules and balancing the authority the compassion.

Dealing with my need to find a space of silence in my brain.

Dealing with my chronic poor sleeping patterns, the random irrational thoughts that swarm my brain, and the moments of my eyes filled with tears while my mouth fills with harsh words.

Dealing with parenting a child from whom I feel very disconnected right now.

I'm here. I'm burying myself in "feel good" things that are not necessarily good for me and not long term solutions. I'm evading and avoiding and hiding. And somehow, just telling myself to "get a grip" is not helping.