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All twisted up
Apr. 21st, 2009 10:13 pmI had an interesting weekend. I got triggered with a bunch of self-worth stuff on Friday and spent the weekend spiraling through old habits and bad ideas. Don't get me wrong, I had some fun, but the kind that always gives me the messed up brain fall out kind.
Sunday, I found out Aunt Mayburn passed away. I always hoped she would come back to Ontario. I still have so many of her letters around. And such cherished memories. I spent a week in Winnipeg with her when I was 13. I'm grateful I managed to take K there to meet her several years ago.
Monday, I continued my spin and added a dose of medical stuff. Talking with the Dr and changes in medications are always "really exciting" things for me. I don't know enough about the new med yet so that's got lots of my brain/emotional resources tapped.
Monday night, I got the call about grandpa dying. I'm so used to being able to just go when mom needs me that it was odd to realize that she has Phil now. She doesn't need me the same way anymore. It was like having a whole definition of myself ripped away. To realize I don't have a role here, I am not sure what to do. Kat cried in my bed most of the night so I did not get much sleep.
Let's see - new meds + no sleep + grief and thinking = BAD FOCUS DAY.
Work today had it's moments, but all evening I've been finding myself drifting further and further into the recesses of my messy mind.
I'm allowed to be off for 5 days. I do not HAVE to go to work tomorrow. And yet I'm so far behind. I have had 3 separate people tell me today, you need to take care of yourself first. All I can respond with is that "I suck at that." I don't even know where to start when things get this loud and crazy.
I will decide in the morning. See how well I sleep, I manage so much better when there has been sleep...
Sunday, I found out Aunt Mayburn passed away. I always hoped she would come back to Ontario. I still have so many of her letters around. And such cherished memories. I spent a week in Winnipeg with her when I was 13. I'm grateful I managed to take K there to meet her several years ago.
Monday, I continued my spin and added a dose of medical stuff. Talking with the Dr and changes in medications are always "really exciting" things for me. I don't know enough about the new med yet so that's got lots of my brain/emotional resources tapped.
Monday night, I got the call about grandpa dying. I'm so used to being able to just go when mom needs me that it was odd to realize that she has Phil now. She doesn't need me the same way anymore. It was like having a whole definition of myself ripped away. To realize I don't have a role here, I am not sure what to do. Kat cried in my bed most of the night so I did not get much sleep.
Let's see - new meds + no sleep + grief and thinking = BAD FOCUS DAY.
Work today had it's moments, but all evening I've been finding myself drifting further and further into the recesses of my messy mind.
I'm allowed to be off for 5 days. I do not HAVE to go to work tomorrow. And yet I'm so far behind. I have had 3 separate people tell me today, you need to take care of yourself first. All I can respond with is that "I suck at that." I don't even know where to start when things get this loud and crazy.
I will decide in the morning. See how well I sleep, I manage so much better when there has been sleep...
