Meme problems so I rambled instead
Nov. 18th, 2004 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
locus_ofcontroAnd real stuff
How is life...ok I guess... I'm reminded again and again how much I love teaching. I felt like HELL all afternoon, and even when I got there. About 10 minutes into the intro, I could feel my energy picking up and was able to do the whole session like nothing had been wrong in the first place. SO...why am I NOT pushing to make this a career? Why am I hestitating to add more classes, call the spaces that I'd like to perform at. What's the problem? Let's keep rambling and see what we find out.
My problem in the SCA has always been that I learn enough of something to teach someone else the basics. And then I stop. Why is that? I never commit to ANYTHING. I hesitate, and hedge and only never complete any projects at all. WHY? Am I afraid of doing well? Is it the perfectionist in me that holds me back. I KNOW, my efforts at making garb are half-assed and poorly executed. I make all kinds of excuses but the realities are these - I don't know the proper techniques for a lot of it, and I don't make the time, or committment to learn it.
How about the tribal thing? Well, the shimmygirls are moving on - as they should be - since I've not made any kind of decent committment to teach them tribal. Well WTF... I DON"T KNOW TRIBAL. I'm an interactive dancer. I don't do cues, don't buy into the FC or GC format. I dance with people. I'm learning that now. I can teach you how to dance and work with others - but I don't buy, sell or promote any one brand of tribal style dancing. Maybe I need to change my website again???...hmm.mmm.mm
Submission...my bad... I don't do it well. I've been with 2 people who identified themselves as doms (and one lovely lady who ...well was just lovely)... so a total of 3 different people have had me bow my head to them. Did it come naturally..HELL NO. Did if feel right... I still don't know. It takes so long for me to develop any kind of trust with anyone (especially for this scenario) that I don't know yet how it feels. I love thud, especially on my back...I can take lots there and it just leaves me feeling relaxed and dreamy... I love sensation play... Sting has it's place... But to submit... I look around at the joy, the release and the comfort of the people who I know and have been allowed to witness submit. and I so want that. I so want to relax into letting someone else do the thinking. Being beat for me is often about being made to feel anything. I'm so in control all the time. So totally aware of how things should be, could look, that I forget to just feel.
Honesty, Polyamoury, Relationships... HELL... I'm so at a loss these days. I love my hubby - but I'm lonely for the days I had contact with other men in my life. I miss them. I miss feeling differently more often (see above). I have a ton of capacity to deal with and relate to multiple people. I enjoy having relationships that are sharing, caring and dear to me. I enjoy having to work to make it work. YET..I'll be the first to admit, I've gotten lazy in my own house. That's gotta stop. There's all kinds of the excuses, the biggest being 2 1/2 now. But the reality is, it needs to become a priority.
Job hunts - I called every place that I have a resume out to this morning. It was good and bad. Some had been filled, many were just starting to review applications. I had a conversation with one woman about why I would be wanting to get into child protection now, expecially after having been out of the field...Did I have any idea how stressful it was? ABSOLUTELY...and I told her this, when I had first graduated, I wouldn't have had the emotional depth, resources or coping mechanisms to deal with the stress. NOW..coming into the field with years of other experiences behind me, I have abilities to manage my stress, channel my energy and have a solid support network to rely on if I need it. This conversation felt good. I feel that while she hadn't been considering my file previously, perhaps she now was. I was able in a 10 minute conversation to tell her I know the area (it's near one of my classes), and that I'm not a recent graduate with stars in my eyes.
To the readership... I've been riting this always aware of the audience. and potential audience. Effective immediately that just stopped. If you don't want to know this stuff, tell me and I'll develop some kind of filter system. From here on out, this is where I ramble, and think out loud. Ya know those voices I keep hearing... Well, it's time I let them yell a little bit.
How is life...ok I guess... I'm reminded again and again how much I love teaching. I felt like HELL all afternoon, and even when I got there. About 10 minutes into the intro, I could feel my energy picking up and was able to do the whole session like nothing had been wrong in the first place. SO...why am I NOT pushing to make this a career? Why am I hestitating to add more classes, call the spaces that I'd like to perform at. What's the problem? Let's keep rambling and see what we find out.
My problem in the SCA has always been that I learn enough of something to teach someone else the basics. And then I stop. Why is that? I never commit to ANYTHING. I hesitate, and hedge and only never complete any projects at all. WHY? Am I afraid of doing well? Is it the perfectionist in me that holds me back. I KNOW, my efforts at making garb are half-assed and poorly executed. I make all kinds of excuses but the realities are these - I don't know the proper techniques for a lot of it, and I don't make the time, or committment to learn it.
How about the tribal thing? Well, the shimmygirls are moving on - as they should be - since I've not made any kind of decent committment to teach them tribal. Well WTF... I DON"T KNOW TRIBAL. I'm an interactive dancer. I don't do cues, don't buy into the FC or GC format. I dance with people. I'm learning that now. I can teach you how to dance and work with others - but I don't buy, sell or promote any one brand of tribal style dancing. Maybe I need to change my website again???...hmm.mmm.mm
Submission...my bad... I don't do it well. I've been with 2 people who identified themselves as doms (and one lovely lady who ...well was just lovely)... so a total of 3 different people have had me bow my head to them. Did it come naturally..HELL NO. Did if feel right... I still don't know. It takes so long for me to develop any kind of trust with anyone (especially for this scenario) that I don't know yet how it feels. I love thud, especially on my back...I can take lots there and it just leaves me feeling relaxed and dreamy... I love sensation play... Sting has it's place... But to submit... I look around at the joy, the release and the comfort of the people who I know and have been allowed to witness submit. and I so want that. I so want to relax into letting someone else do the thinking. Being beat for me is often about being made to feel anything. I'm so in control all the time. So totally aware of how things should be, could look, that I forget to just feel.
Honesty, Polyamoury, Relationships... HELL... I'm so at a loss these days. I love my hubby - but I'm lonely for the days I had contact with other men in my life. I miss them. I miss feeling differently more often (see above). I have a ton of capacity to deal with and relate to multiple people. I enjoy having relationships that are sharing, caring and dear to me. I enjoy having to work to make it work. YET..I'll be the first to admit, I've gotten lazy in my own house. That's gotta stop. There's all kinds of the excuses, the biggest being 2 1/2 now. But the reality is, it needs to become a priority.
Job hunts - I called every place that I have a resume out to this morning. It was good and bad. Some had been filled, many were just starting to review applications. I had a conversation with one woman about why I would be wanting to get into child protection now, expecially after having been out of the field...Did I have any idea how stressful it was? ABSOLUTELY...and I told her this, when I had first graduated, I wouldn't have had the emotional depth, resources or coping mechanisms to deal with the stress. NOW..coming into the field with years of other experiences behind me, I have abilities to manage my stress, channel my energy and have a solid support network to rely on if I need it. This conversation felt good. I feel that while she hadn't been considering my file previously, perhaps she now was. I was able in a 10 minute conversation to tell her I know the area (it's near one of my classes), and that I'm not a recent graduate with stars in my eyes.
To the readership... I've been riting this always aware of the audience. and potential audience. Effective immediately that just stopped. If you don't want to know this stuff, tell me and I'll develop some kind of filter system. From here on out, this is where I ramble, and think out loud. Ya know those voices I keep hearing... Well, it's time I let them yell a little bit.
