State of the union
Jun. 24th, 2005 09:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
locus_ofcontrothe current catalogue of things is not so good.
Lets start with the one that worries me..
I'm sick and tired of dancing the same dance over and over and over again. I keep speaking about the changes I want to see but not accepting the responsbility for MAKING the changes. "The person with the problem drives the solution". OK...But it feels like if I take this control back, I won't have any need or reason to HAVE a partner in my world. Sometimes the stress of sharing my life with someone else becomes absolutely overwhelming. I sometimes wish I had taken more time to know how to take care of myself better before I joined into the committment to care about/for someone else. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care. I'm just really really tired of dancing the same dance. Going through the same patterns over and over again. And I know why we have such a different approach and perspective. But it doesn't make it any easier.
I was raised by a mother who scrimped and denied herself her WHOLE life in order to ensure that I had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and a social life. My mother had friends cut her hair, cleaned other's peoples houses and baked everything from scratch. I like sphegetti soup (which is my comfort food) and it was cheap and relatively nutritious when there was no money for food in the house. I know how priorities are decided and how crisis get dealt with when it comes to allocation of finances. And now I am really bitter. I gave up that knowledge when I became part of this partnership. I understand where my partner came from, but even though I know there were hard times in his house, I can see that he never internalized any of that that to the extent that I did. He establishes priorities differently and gets sucked in by a good deal rather than a neccessity. I'm not sure that I can deal with that anymore. I have spoken my part repeatedly over the years we've been together (though like the TOWER I let it build and build before expressing myelf and then__). The frustration has continued to grow as I have seen the patterns repeat. We have both held some very very good paying jobs over the years. Yet I have never felt financially secure. I understand that crisis happen but I feel like I have been in a reactive pattern to it for SO LONG I am not sure how to break out. One of our first relationship contracts was that we would work to having a cushion. Just in case. I handled that conversation all wrong, I see now. I gave the finances away to his responsibility with that caveat, to build a cushion. And reminded him at the time, that if I handled the finances there would be no treats. No special stuff that wasn't budgetted for until the cushion was in place. And that's how I would handle the money. Yet I let him handle it. I have never had my cushion, and the treats have been too often, and too fleeting. And now I have this sort of post-traumatic stress thing happening every time I even THINK about paying a bill. Yet I know how to balance a checkbook. I WAS A FREAKING AUDITOR for the government. Yet I am terrified of looking at my own bank account. My own expenses. And today.. I had to meet with a client today about this very issue. And came home to a past due notice for something for which the money had been allocated!!! Yet a "crisis" pulled that money away... I'm tired of this. So very exhausted.
Yet I know that he is doing so many things to help solve this. The time away, the sacrifices he is making with Katina, friends, everything..and yet now I am looking at pulling back this responsibility. We will have to work it out to be more teamlike. But we are SO far apart in our approachs. Nothing stresses a relationship more than finances. I know that. We've been here before, and to be fair we're on our way back out. BUT I'd like to head out with a difference. With a committment to changing the patterns of behaviour that keep getting us there. And for that, I have to take more responsiblity for fulfilling MY need of financial security. So I don't have to sacrifice the things I want to do just to make the next payment.
Before I get called on my crap....
I won't have any need or reason to HAVE a partner in my world.
Yup I actually wonder that. Frequently. I have no idea what sharing my life should be like. I don't share my spirituality with this person (who saw Instant Karma as just another book of random one-liners rather than a philosophy towards how to live your life). I don't share my day with them because they have never really expressed much interest in the theraputic process. I don't share intimacy with them because of our history of physical interactions (which we have discussed to death). I don't share the joys of exercise (walking, running, all we ever enjoyed together was roller blading and it's been 2 years). I don't share my interests in the middle east or dancing with them (for alot of the same reasons as the intimacy thing). I don't share hobbies, interests or even FRIENDSHIPs with them. And frankly all of this is a lot.
I do however share a child and a committment to our relationship. And these things weigh very very heavily into the equation. I keep trying to think back to what I fell in love with and why. And I struggle with it. damn, my glass is empty.
And pouring another would just not be a good idea. I do fairly well staying away from that demon most times. This is awfully close to not being one of those times.
Lets start with the one that worries me..
- I have a glass of port next to me and while it's my first, it tastes really really good
- .I just let the phone go to voicemail even though I'm pretty sure it was
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
safadancer. - My temper is short and my centre of gravity smaller than that.
- My daughter is still up... It's after 9:20 and I am NOW refusing to acknowledge her in the hopes that she'll get tired of calling me and go to sleep
- .My house is filthy and I mean not just messy (it's that too).
- My fridge is chaos.
- My laundry is only partially done
- I have case notes to write tonight because I didn't get them done today.
- I have cancelled my "feel good" plans for the weekend.
I'm sick and tired of dancing the same dance over and over and over again. I keep speaking about the changes I want to see but not accepting the responsbility for MAKING the changes. "The person with the problem drives the solution". OK...But it feels like if I take this control back, I won't have any need or reason to HAVE a partner in my world. Sometimes the stress of sharing my life with someone else becomes absolutely overwhelming. I sometimes wish I had taken more time to know how to take care of myself better before I joined into the committment to care about/for someone else. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care. I'm just really really tired of dancing the same dance. Going through the same patterns over and over again. And I know why we have such a different approach and perspective. But it doesn't make it any easier.
I was raised by a mother who scrimped and denied herself her WHOLE life in order to ensure that I had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and a social life. My mother had friends cut her hair, cleaned other's peoples houses and baked everything from scratch. I like sphegetti soup (which is my comfort food) and it was cheap and relatively nutritious when there was no money for food in the house. I know how priorities are decided and how crisis get dealt with when it comes to allocation of finances. And now I am really bitter. I gave up that knowledge when I became part of this partnership. I understand where my partner came from, but even though I know there were hard times in his house, I can see that he never internalized any of that that to the extent that I did. He establishes priorities differently and gets sucked in by a good deal rather than a neccessity. I'm not sure that I can deal with that anymore. I have spoken my part repeatedly over the years we've been together (though like the TOWER I let it build and build before expressing myelf and then__). The frustration has continued to grow as I have seen the patterns repeat. We have both held some very very good paying jobs over the years. Yet I have never felt financially secure. I understand that crisis happen but I feel like I have been in a reactive pattern to it for SO LONG I am not sure how to break out. One of our first relationship contracts was that we would work to having a cushion. Just in case. I handled that conversation all wrong, I see now. I gave the finances away to his responsibility with that caveat, to build a cushion. And reminded him at the time, that if I handled the finances there would be no treats. No special stuff that wasn't budgetted for until the cushion was in place. And that's how I would handle the money. Yet I let him handle it. I have never had my cushion, and the treats have been too often, and too fleeting. And now I have this sort of post-traumatic stress thing happening every time I even THINK about paying a bill. Yet I know how to balance a checkbook. I WAS A FREAKING AUDITOR for the government. Yet I am terrified of looking at my own bank account. My own expenses. And today.. I had to meet with a client today about this very issue. And came home to a past due notice for something for which the money had been allocated!!! Yet a "crisis" pulled that money away... I'm tired of this. So very exhausted.
Yet I know that he is doing so many things to help solve this. The time away, the sacrifices he is making with Katina, friends, everything..and yet now I am looking at pulling back this responsibility. We will have to work it out to be more teamlike. But we are SO far apart in our approachs. Nothing stresses a relationship more than finances. I know that. We've been here before, and to be fair we're on our way back out. BUT I'd like to head out with a difference. With a committment to changing the patterns of behaviour that keep getting us there. And for that, I have to take more responsiblity for fulfilling MY need of financial security. So I don't have to sacrifice the things I want to do just to make the next payment.
Before I get called on my crap....
I won't have any need or reason to HAVE a partner in my world.
Yup I actually wonder that. Frequently. I have no idea what sharing my life should be like. I don't share my spirituality with this person (who saw Instant Karma as just another book of random one-liners rather than a philosophy towards how to live your life). I don't share my day with them because they have never really expressed much interest in the theraputic process. I don't share intimacy with them because of our history of physical interactions (which we have discussed to death). I don't share the joys of exercise (walking, running, all we ever enjoyed together was roller blading and it's been 2 years). I don't share my interests in the middle east or dancing with them (for alot of the same reasons as the intimacy thing). I don't share hobbies, interests or even FRIENDSHIPs with them. And frankly all of this is a lot.
I do however share a child and a committment to our relationship. And these things weigh very very heavily into the equation. I keep trying to think back to what I fell in love with and why. And I struggle with it. damn, my glass is empty.
And pouring another would just not be a good idea. I do fairly well staying away from that demon most times. This is awfully close to not being one of those times.
