Where I've been...
Jun. 24th, 2008 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
locus_ofcontroI went up north to the Madawaska River, just at the base of the Algoniun Park. Absolutely beautiful. I went with T, who was my best friends boyfriend in High School. Facebook being the evil thing it is, I've been talking to him pretty regularly for almost a year. We've connected when I've been at my mom's for a quick visit at times and over Easter, that's who got my messed up self back home safely!!
He had work to do up there on the family Cottage, so I went with him. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised and welcomed the silence. I spend some hours on the dock, watching the waves, and a beaver float by me. I chased minnows, and picked wildflowers. I read Walt Whitman.
I confronted some prejudices of my own that I thought I'd given up, and smoked way too many cigarettes and more than one kind.
I recieved a massage that walked images through my head, that I still don't understand.
There was a lot of vulnerability. Emotionally, physically. We talked a lot. He's an interesting person and I'm grateful for the space I'm in now. Two years ago I couldn't have handled his ability to cut through to the quick and challenge what he perceives. I'm in a better space for that now.
Our goals are similar, our paths very different. But I've found another space I can feel safe.
I've been in my head a lot. And talking with T was a great challenge. I almost feel equal cause I think I"m challenging him on a few things too. There are questions I was asked that I don't have full answers too, like..."how can I complain about a sore nipple but talk about being flogged and whipped?" There's a deeper answer to that one, than I am aware and that's perculating under the surface right now. I have reinforced my awareness of my patterns of the people I choose to involve myself with. I've also reinforced that I can be emotionally neutral and still be honest and vulnerable and intimate. I know neutral sounds like a bad thing...but it's not in my head at this time what I would consider bad. At this time, it's simply needed.
I'm not sure where things will go from here, and am quite alright with that.
I started this post a while ago, and then laid down and FELL ASLEEP!!!! That was awesome. I have to run an errand, then I intend to sleep again. Maybe I'll be able to feel like I can handle my job like this.
He had work to do up there on the family Cottage, so I went with him. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised and welcomed the silence. I spend some hours on the dock, watching the waves, and a beaver float by me. I chased minnows, and picked wildflowers. I read Walt Whitman.
I confronted some prejudices of my own that I thought I'd given up, and smoked way too many cigarettes and more than one kind.
I recieved a massage that walked images through my head, that I still don't understand.
There was a lot of vulnerability. Emotionally, physically. We talked a lot. He's an interesting person and I'm grateful for the space I'm in now. Two years ago I couldn't have handled his ability to cut through to the quick and challenge what he perceives. I'm in a better space for that now.
Our goals are similar, our paths very different. But I've found another space I can feel safe.
I've been in my head a lot. And talking with T was a great challenge. I almost feel equal cause I think I"m challenging him on a few things too. There are questions I was asked that I don't have full answers too, like..."how can I complain about a sore nipple but talk about being flogged and whipped?" There's a deeper answer to that one, than I am aware and that's perculating under the surface right now. I have reinforced my awareness of my patterns of the people I choose to involve myself with. I've also reinforced that I can be emotionally neutral and still be honest and vulnerable and intimate. I know neutral sounds like a bad thing...but it's not in my head at this time what I would consider bad. At this time, it's simply needed.
I'm not sure where things will go from here, and am quite alright with that.
I started this post a while ago, and then laid down and FELL ASLEEP!!!! That was awesome. I have to run an errand, then I intend to sleep again. Maybe I'll be able to feel like I can handle my job like this.
