Dawning Realizations
Oct. 25th, 2005 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
locus_ofcontroHrm.... so I'm in training this week.. I do like this trainer... Today
we're working on "Ways to Increase Parental Effectivenesss....'
We spent some time talking about the ABC's of Discipline... (which really speaks to me when I look at in terms of that DAMN BOOK).
A - this is the antecedent... What are you thinking, feeling, what do you need, what is your intent
B - this is the behaviour .... which for me is actually action - could be making a phone call, making a statement, dusting the mantle
C- this is the consequence... this is what happens after you've taken the action....
Now here's the crux... C - or consequence, CREATES a new A... stay with me here... C - creates - or spawns a new thought, or feeling (a reaction to your action shall we say that creates the Antecedent for a new action)...
it's a cycle. And only a good one, if we know what A is. From a Child Welfare perspective, knowing this only helps if parents can recognize their own A's in order to manage their own behaviour... .And what happens in OUR world? Well, we see lots of behaviour management... We address B, which affects C... Then B happens again, and address B, which affects C, Then B happens again and we address B, and ... do you get the picture?
Without dealing with the A's there is no solution. You need to KNOW, what you are feeling, thinking, what you need, and what is your intent.. Then be honest about it. And there's the hard part... cause lots of times those A's are embedded with fears, vulnerabilities, loss, grief, shame, sadness, doubt, lack of self-worth,... and being honest about that stuff, well... It's hard. Cause what happens if??
Here's a kick in the seat.... MY internal A's are not a cause of someone elses B's. What that means to me? Well, if I express an A of mine, it can not directly cause a B by someone else... The only thing that can cause their B is THEIR A. Which may be a result of C from me, but it their own. coloured by their perceptions, baggage, lexicon, definitions, and experiences. This is the hard part. REGARDLESS of the C, I have to be honest and in touch with my A's.... gah...does any of this make sense?
Hrm... something tells me this isn't all about parenting anymore....
We spent some time talking about the ABC's of Discipline... (which really speaks to me when I look at in terms of that DAMN BOOK).
A - this is the antecedent... What are you thinking, feeling, what do you need, what is your intent
B - this is the behaviour .... which for me is actually action - could be making a phone call, making a statement, dusting the mantle
C- this is the consequence... this is what happens after you've taken the action....
Now here's the crux... C - or consequence, CREATES a new A... stay with me here... C - creates - or spawns a new thought, or feeling (a reaction to your action shall we say that creates the Antecedent for a new action)...
it's a cycle. And only a good one, if we know what A is. From a Child Welfare perspective, knowing this only helps if parents can recognize their own A's in order to manage their own behaviour... .And what happens in OUR world? Well, we see lots of behaviour management... We address B, which affects C... Then B happens again, and address B, which affects C, Then B happens again and we address B, and ... do you get the picture?
Without dealing with the A's there is no solution. You need to KNOW, what you are feeling, thinking, what you need, and what is your intent.. Then be honest about it. And there's the hard part... cause lots of times those A's are embedded with fears, vulnerabilities, loss, grief, shame, sadness, doubt, lack of self-worth,... and being honest about that stuff, well... It's hard. Cause what happens if??
Here's a kick in the seat.... MY internal A's are not a cause of someone elses B's. What that means to me? Well, if I express an A of mine, it can not directly cause a B by someone else... The only thing that can cause their B is THEIR A. Which may be a result of C from me, but it their own. coloured by their perceptions, baggage, lexicon, definitions, and experiences. This is the hard part. REGARDLESS of the C, I have to be honest and in touch with my A's.... gah...does any of this make sense?
Hrm... something tells me this isn't all about parenting anymore....
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 06:16 am (UTC)thanks for reminding me of this cycle
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Date: 2005-10-26 07:21 am (UTC)parenting, too, is a kind of relationship, ergo it makes perfect sense that it falls into the same patterns as any other kind of relationship. if you don't know your own needs, you cannot form an *effective* intent, nor communicate it to others. if you cannot form an effective intent, you'll never know if your conscious actions are working towards meeting that need, or if your subconscious actions are sabotaging you. if you're not meeting the need (either because you don't recognize it, can't communicate it, or are in any way self-sabotaging it), then the consequences of inappropriate or misunderstood actions become huge.
whether you're dealing with parents or lovers, the patterns are the same, the implications are the same, and the odds that you're dealing with at least one unself-actualized part of the equation (be it a parent who is not consciously actualized, or a child who simply doesn't have the ability to understand or communicate these kinds of meta-concepts and awareness levels) are also the same. the only thing that may change (as far as i can tell) are the kinds of tools you use to draw awareness of needs out into the open, and to manage the consequences.
good catch on this one, darlin'.