locus_ofcontro: (Default)
I am starting to believe we are all effectively self-serving people.  I think the difference amongst us, is whether we are honest about it or not.

I know that in many of my relationships, I'm self-serving.  Some of these are good gigs.  I pay for the service of coming home to clean space.  I pay for someone to care for my daughter.  These things give me space and time to do other things that matter to me.

In non-paying relationship - let's - I have converstations with them to normalize what I do, and to gain from their experience.  I get stress relief, comraderie and shared experiences.  I see that they get the same things too.  It's self-serving for each of us, but mutually beneficial.  We don't have to say "HEY, I"M USING YOU TO FEEL LIKE I CAN HANDLE THIS JOB"'s kind of a given.  Even at the workplace, I only spend time with those that actually serve that need for me.  There's others around who don't serve that need, so I don't spend time with them and build actual relationships.

In my social network - I have people who also serve my needs.  I have spaces I go to because I feel safe there, with them, and have a need to feel that.  I'd like to think they let me come, because I serve some kind of need for them, even if it's only humour when I've left!.  I have people, who serve my self-awareness needs, who challenge me, who serve my physical needs, my need to feel desired.

Everyone in our life serves a need for us.  In most cases, those needs are reciprocated in some fashion or another.  Paid for financially, provided mutual help/support/caring/challenge etc. 


We each, make deposits and withdrawels from our "needs" bank (I'm reading a book that calls it a "Love Bank" but that phrase does not suit my current purpose).  We generally STAY in relationships, when the balance is in the bank is about equal. 

I know I have relationships where that balance is not equal.  In fact, it is not intended to be equal.  I have deliberately communicated that I do not intend to reciprocate in the needs category any more than what I'm prepared to deposit.  I've been honest about that.

Does that honesty, if we were to communicate with all our relationships, become brutal honesty?

Moving beyond that, cause my brain is running WAY faster than I can type right now...

At what point do we become aware that the balance is just TOO unequal.  That the withdrawels from the needs bank, are tapping us out.  That we're constantly looking for a deposit that's not going to come.  At what point, do we "cut our losses" from the investment and walk away?

locus_ofcontro: (Work)
Love my therapist.

Hate therapy.

*signed* the abyss.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
from : Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

"It is easy to get into the habit of judgment. Once we begin to judge people, things and circumstance, judgment can rule our inner and outer dialogue. An inner dialogue (the mental conversations we are constantly having with ourselves) of judgment creates nothing but restlessness and discontent. An outer dialogue of judgment destroys honest and open communication, because none of us want to make ourselves vulnerable if we sense we will be shot down by judgement...... Judgment is one of the great poisons that kill relationships......The ability to suspend judgment is an essential characteristic if we wish to explore the very depths of intimacy. The path that leads to intimacy is blocked to those who are unwilling or unable to practice non-judgment."

Hrm...I have lots of those inner dialogues, the ones that cause restlessness and discontent. They are the voices in my head that tell me that I don't measure up, that that person doesn't really like ME, that I'm not good enough. Those inner dialogues can paralyze me in so many ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are the dialogues that I see so many of my clients have with themselves. They turn to drugs, alcohol and many other vices to drown out their own inner judgment. What do I turn to?
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)

One of the most common problems couples complain about is communication. In our mentoring work we are continually confronted with couples who believe they can "work out" their differences simply by talking. But, thoughts, language and the use of words make up just one form of comunication. We debate, dialogue, question, complain, argue, pursuade, cajole, profess, and in various other ways use words to convey information. When couples get trapped into thinking that words alone are what communication is all about relationships - even really good ones - tend to get bogged down in endless rounds of verbal processing.

While talking is vital, and most couples can use help in saying what they are experiencing, communication goes far beyond the spoken word. Marcia and I often remind couples, "Less talk generally equals more expression." Couples who rely exclusively on words often end up "discuss-dead." Expression, on the other hand, happens on multiple levels. Our emotions, actions, and physical contact are vital aspects of full expression.

Emotionally, couples communicate when they laugh, cry, tremble in fear, release their anger, reveal their delight and express needs, love and gratitude. This is not just saying words, but actually opening up to the real emotions. Most of us are cued into certain feeling states and cut off from others. One may feel anger but be unaware of need-- another may be able to cry but not express clear "self-affirming" anger. What feelings do you have trouble expressing?

Behavioral communication is essentially how we "speak" through our actions. Do you notice how your partner converses in behavioral language? Does s/he let you know you are important, protected, adored, feared, disliked, or ignored? Actions do indeed speak louder that words, yet they are often overlooked. Recently, a woman was complaining about her spouse's lack of sharing. I asked her to give an example of when she knew how he really feels about her. She recalled a time recently when she had been away from home for a long and exhausting day and she didn't get home until very late. He had to leave on a trip before she arrived, but when she finally got there she went to the bedroom and found her favorite pajamas folded and layed out on top of her pillow. He had spoken to her very clearly.

Physically, it may not be an over-statement to say that our ability to make bodily contact is our primary mode of communication. Couples can talk about their problems until they are "blue in the face", but unless there is pyhsical connection they will never really surmount their differences. Full intimacy involves touch. If couples wait until they "talk out" their problems before they touch or make love, they may be in for a very long wait. So much is communicated through our tenderness, erotic contact, comforting, playfulness and everyday physical contact that words are insufficient to describe it. Couples who are physical are communicating on the most elemental of levels.

In our mentoring work we engage couples on all these levels. Anything less is inadequate communication. Learning to express our emotions, meet each other through touch, and reveal ourselves through our actions are as essential to communication as the words we speak.
locus_ofcontro: (PENISES)
Someone told me today that they are using me. Not in any sense where they are using me with an intent to cause me harm or hurt me, but in fact they are hoping that I benefit from our interactions as well. It's more that they are using aspects of who I am, and how I relate with them to learn something and to help them heal.

They are using me to feel better, healthier and stronger in many ways. Physically, emotionally and, I believe, spiritualy.

I asked myself, if I'm ok with that. Am I ok, that I'm bringing good things to this person, HELL yes. I'm happy to bring them happiness in any way I can, even if it's just to be sufficient distraction to keep them from doing something stupid... Or perhaps...the thought of me with a baseball bat aimed at their head, is also healing...whatever. I'm happy to be filling whatever need, I'm filling right now...and it's not costing me anything to be there.

In fact, I'm gaining too. I'm practicing some long dead skills of my spirituality, getting practiced at staying present and facing my fears. I'm learning to trust and be vulnerable and open and spontaneous. I'm remembering that it's ok to feel safe and protected...but be strong and opinionated too...things I feel I've forgotten.

Am I ok with being used? Perhaps the larger question should be....who's using who?
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
Some of you may have already read this. It's pretty concise. It doesn't much share where I am at with things between him and I or how I got there but it sums up the end point fairly well.

What's interesting is that as I look forward, I don't see that many great changes in my relationship with [ profile] zagatto. We've always been better friends than lovers. We'll always be friends. The permanent bond that is Katina is not going to go away and I've been really questioning the lessons I'm teaching her in my life. I went back to Social Work after she was born, because I wasn't happy in the work I was doing. I wanted to teach her to be happy in the work she does. Now I'm leaving a marriage, because I'm not happy in it. I want to show her that marriage doesn't have to be hurt and pain and sacrifice.

As our friends talk to us about how we each got here, they'll find we have travelled different roads to this end point, even though we've travelled it together. We've been together 11 years and it's simply time.

Comments will be screened permanently to respect the emotional state that both Joe and I are in right now.


Jun. 5th, 2007 06:29 am
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
off the face of the earth.

See you all on the flip side.
locus_ofcontro: (Longing & Angst)
I am tired on so many different levels right now.

I'm going into hibernation for the rest of the day and snuggling with my daughter.

If you need me. You'll have to call.


Mar. 21st, 2007 09:36 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Satiated & satisfied)
How much room do our brains really have?...

How many different topics can your brain ruminate about all at once...? Even just one can make me a cranky girl when my head is all absorbed in understanding some nuance of myself...or processing some fresh experience or emotion...

Right now, there's many things roaming around in there... none of which I've taken the time to truly pull apart and look at in the cold harsh light of my reality....

Is it this venue holding me back? Is it not really knowing the right questions to ask myself?

I'm so very blessed in so many spaces of my life right now that it's hard to even remember how alone I've felt in the past. I'm enjoying just being. And I think that's ok.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
March 1, 2007

Essential Authenticity
Revealing Your True Self

Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light-pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.

At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.

Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
On a few things...

Poly, Kink, bi-sexuality...sexuality in general...

These are the times my work becomes nothing but a distraction to wanting to "realize" myself.
locus_ofcontro: (and Rants)
is very much, NOT conducive to doing the work I actually get paid for.

I need to find a balance between working on my own stuff and other stuff...

At this point, my effort involves committing myself to SELF WORK between 8 and 9pm on Tuesday evenings...

IF YOU SEE ME ONLINE on Tues Evening between 8 and 9 pm...please yell at me.



Jan. 15th, 2007 03:13 pm
locus_ofcontro: (Default)
January 15, 2007

Uncover Your True Face
Underneath the Mask

Many of us know the feeling of being stuck in a particular role within our
families, as if we are wearing masks whenever we see the people we love. Maybe
we are the good daughters, expected to always please others, or perhaps we are
the family clowns, expected to be jovial and make everyone laugh. This same
scenario can play out within a work situation or a group of friends. We may be
so good at our role that we hardly even notice that we are wearing a mask, and
yet, deep down, we know that we are not free to simply be who we really are.
This can leave us feeling unseen and uneasy.

There is nothing inherently wrong with wearing a mask or playing a role. It is a
natural part of any social dynamic and it can even be creative and fun. It only
becomes a problem when you feel that you have no other choice than to wear that
mask, and this is especially challenging if you realize you are never without
one. Perhaps you have forgotten who you really are—a vast and unrestricted being
of light—and have identified yourself completely with a role. You may be the
dutiful, caring son who keeps his parents’ dysfunctional marriage intact. You
may be the angelic wife who enables your husband to continue on a destructive
path. You may be the cheerful daughter to a deeply depressed mother. Whatever
the case, knowing the motivation behind your performance—the function of your
mask—can help to uncover your true face.

Anytime we find ourselves stuck behind a mask, it is an indication that we are
entangled in a dysfunctional dynamic in which our true self cannot be seen. We
have been placed in this situation for the purpose of our own healing and, in
some cases, the healing of others. From this perspective, life can be seen as a
series of situations that call us to remove our masks—gently, and with great
compassion for all concerned—to reveal the beauty underneath.

Daily OM

Aug. 4th, 2006 09:51 am
locus_ofcontro: (Kiki - thinking)
Not only is this the space I live in, I see it regularly in the people I work with. So much of our internal insecurities can be rooted in patterns that started in childhood. Parenting has a long term, intergenerational impact and we owe it to our children to reclaim our own power so we can teach them how to reclaim theirs. And I define success as reclaiming your own personal power. Self-actualization, self-awareness and personal growth are my definitions of success.

Daily OM
Reclaiming Your Power

There is an innate awkwardness to being human. With each decision we make, there is the potential for self-doubt and it is this-self doubt that forms the root of insecurity-a complex emotion that is a mix of equal parts inadequacy, isolation,fear, and hopelessness. Yet these feelings of insecurity that prevent us from fulfilling our potential by inducing us to abide by arbitrary self-limitations are nothing more than erroneous perceptions. We feel unconfident and unsure of ourselves because we judge ourselves to be so.

Banishing insecurity is often simply a matter of challenging ourselves in order to prove that we are indeed intelligent and able. When we feel insecure, we not only perceive ourselves as incapable of meeting life's challenges but also fraudulent and unworthy of true happiness. We move through life plagued by a sense that others have judged us and found that we are lacking. As a result, we are robbed of our personal power and rendered unable to feel positive about the choices we make. Everyone feels insecure from time to time because each of us is born into the world with unique strengths.

If you should find yourself with feelings of insecurity, however, endeavor to understand its source. Perhaps you were repeatedly berated as a child or seldom receive positive reinforcement in the present. A tendency to withdraw from risk or uncomfortable situations can amplify feelings of insecurity. When you have pinpointed the origin of your insecurity, focus on your abilities. The more you utilize your personal power-by taking risks, boldly facing challenges, and acting decisively-the stronger it will grow.  Remember that insecurity is not objective. Rather, it is an emotional interpretation of your value unconsciously based on doubt, shame, and fear. As you overcome those underlying emotions through courageous action and copious self-love, you'll discover that you are capable of achieving more than you ever thought possible.
locus_ofcontro: (Willing)
In an effort to combat my sense of conservativism and to vividly express my "wild side", I have decided I am going to put peek a boo highlights in my hair.

The appointment is booked and the hairdresser picked (she cut my hair on Sat and I'm quite happy with both it and her). However, I haven't decided what colours should peek out from under my own brown locks.

I've considered, RED, BLUE and PURPLE.

so... tell me what colours and in what combinations you can see in my hair!! *weg*
locus_ofcontro: (Johnny The Homicidal Mania)
July 28, 2006 You Are Not Crazy

Most of us feel a little crazy from time to time. Periods of high stress can make us feel like we're losing it, as can being surrounded by people whose values are very different from our own. Losing a significant relationship and moving into a new life situation are other events that can cause us to feel off kilter. Circumstances like these recur in our lives, and they naturally affect our mental stability. The symptoms of our state of mind can range from having no recollection of putting our car keys where we eventually find them, to wondering if we're seeing things clearly when everyone around us seems to be in denial of what's going on right in front of their eyes. For most of us, the key to survival at times like these is to step back, take a deep breath, and regain our composure. Then we can decide what course of action to take.

Sometimes a time-out does the trick. We take a day off from whatever is making us feel crazy and, like magic, we feel in our right mind again. Talking to an objective friend can also help. We begin to see what it is about the situation that destabilizes us, and we can make changes from there. At other times, if the situation is particularly sticky, we may need to seek professional help. Meeting with someone who understands the way the human mind reacts to stress, loss, and difficulty can make us feel less alone and more supported. A therapist or a spiritual counselor can give us techniques that help bring us back to a sane state of mind so that we can affect useful changes. They can also mirror our basic goodness, helping us to see that we are actually okay. The main purpose of the wake-up call that feeling crazy provides is to let us know that something in our lives is out of balance. Confirm for yourself that you are capable of creating a sane and peaceful reality for yourself. Try to remember that most people have felt, at one time or another, that they are losing it. You deserve a life that helps you thrive. Try and take some steps today to help you achieve more balance and a little less crazy.
locus_ofcontro: (Kiki - thinking)
"I’ve been practicing radical authenticity lately," my friend Brandontold me. "I’m revealing the blunt truth about unmentionable subjects to everyone I know. It’s been pretty hellish—no one likes having the social masks stripped away—but it’s been ultimately rewarding."

"I admire your boldness in naming the currents flowing beneath the surface," I replied, "but I’m curious as to why you imply they’re all negative. To practice radical authenticity, shouldn’t you also express the raw truth about what’s right, good, and beautiful? Shouldn’t you unleash the praise and gratitude that normally go unspoken?"

Brandon sneered. He thought my version of radical authenticity was wimpy. I hope you don’t. As a budding lover of life, you have a mandate to be honest in both ways.
locus_ofcontro: (Kiki - thinking)
Rebel Read more... )

Religion -Read more... )

ReasonRead more... )

RememberRead more... )

RationalRead more... )

Ready -Read more... )

RapeRead more... )

Real Read more... )

RandyRead more... )

RespectRead more... )
locus_ofcontro: (Spirituality)


guess it depends on your definition... So what happened to the Power? Does either of us hold the power now?
I think we're growing beyond that.... It's a goodness...
locus_ofcontro: (Johnny The Homicidal Mania)
I like this guy...I get regular updates and this one is timely...

Emotional Healing Times )


locus_ofcontro: (Default)

January 2015



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