Growing Up

I'm not a big fan of WANTING things. Hell I'm not a big fan of any great emotion that I don't understand, can't control and ties my stomach up in knots.

I learned early that life is easier if you keep a distance from that stuff. Like people, enjoy them, but keep the walls high and strong and don't let the emotions get to you.

I don't like wanting things...anything. Anyone.

Lots of leftovers to do with zagatto's moving out, and trinshadow et all, moving in.

I'll be "thinning" stuff. A lot will probably find it's way to my work world for clients who have less...some may get posted here...more will likely find it's way to a VV bin enroute to work one day.

Other to do's for me...over the next 2 months...

1. Wash out Freezer and plug it in.
2. Buy a computer of my very own....
3. Re-arrange my room to accomodate, desk & computer
4. Clean out my fridge & re-arrange kitchen cupboards. (hopefully with trinshadow's help)
5. Clean out cupboards in garage _ to sort out storage space
6. Move bookcase in Living room to other wall
7. Bring stereo from L/R to my bedroom
8. Take Ghetto to work
9. Move cats box
10. Do not kill my child!!!


Gotta go...child being annoying...MUST redirect.

note: If anyone has expertise in the above areas and wants to lend their services of directing me along appropriate pathways...Lemme know!!

1. Call and cancel my 1pm appt.
2. Empty Car
3. LAUNDRY
4. Print & Sign Separation Agreement with zagatto
5. Call Mortgage Company's Lawyer
6. Kitchen...
7. Grocery List?
8. Pack a box for zagatto
9. Get new cat food
10. Drop off donations
11. Do basic math/budgeting
12. Go shopping for a dress for the wedding
13. call Insurance company to make changes
14. Email old owner here (mail)
15. Contact HR, ref $ to RESP
16. Book time to connect with lickerishwhip on FRIDAY
17. Plug in freezer

Warning... this is rambling...and possibly directionless.

Rob @ the Gig said that sexuality is God's gift to us to share with our lifelong chosen partner. He pushes monogamy, says it is what Christ talks to us about.

I don't think much about what Christ had to say. When the Catholic church annulled my mother's marriage, I no longer existed so I eliminated the middle man and deal with God/Goddess/Spirit/Universe on a one-to-one basis.

Love is meant to be shared. Many people will only allow themselves to feel "loved" in a sexual context. I've met people for whom unconditional, unquestioning and open-hearted love is only something they can experience in the throes of pain. We all contain some aspect of broken sexuality.

In Conversations with God, I read that "Sex is an extraordinary expression of love_ love of another, love of Self, love of life." "The central question in ANY decision is, "what would love do now?" Love for YOURSELF, and love for all others who are affected or involved."

And more "failure to express negative feelings does not make them go away; it keeps them in. Negativity "kept in" harms the body and burdens the soul." and finally, for now "Needing someone is the fastest way to kill a relationship."

An old soul once told me, when I was looking into Wicca for a time, that I'm not here for that this time around. She told me "you are here to heal others, this time. You don't need this to do that." I never went back to that Wiccan meeting, and I'd forgotten all about that until the Gig the other day. I heard a lady say to her partner "I see the you that God meant you to be, the one he created, before your parents and your life and your walls and hurts all happened. I see through that to the you that God made." That was a very real statement to me, and as I look around, I wonder if I often see that in other people.

I have clients that say "I wasn't going to tell you that, you have something, I just start talking to you and telling you things that I KNOW I shouldn't tell you." I'm here to heal people. That floats around in my head a lot.

I know I've done harm to people. I have faith that I do less NOW than I have in the past, as I've become more aware of when I'm working from a space of fear rather then a space of love. I'm learning to check in on myself...and with others when there's a "twinge" of something that feels like I might not have understood it well.

I'm surrounded by people who choose love as a way to live their live. They approach the world and other people from a space of curiousity and desire to learn, to grow. I feel out of my depth many many times, but they are content enough to allow me to float sometimes which helps. God/dess bless them.

This is rambling and unfiltered... and...just the skimming of the top of the thinky thoughts in my head.

I haven't put any thought at all into a real update for a while...Let's see...

Still trying to sort out finances for the house and if I'm gonna be able to get a mortgage on my own. I have a lead on that, I just need the energy and daytime hours to make a couple of calls to follow that up.

Still dating curgoth, when our schedules are mutually amendable to time together.

Still "dating", "seeing", being "friends with benefits" or whatever you want to call it, with BFHS. There's something there, but without a coherent lable to it at this point. Regular phone and IM contact, not to mention opportunities in person...suggest that there's something. Oh, and I met the kids on Sunday which was...awkward at times, but ...interesting as well. More about that whole thing behind a filter when I get time in my head to really think clearly.

Still NOT sleeping well, and have a rash, and an intermittent fever to boot, now. And an appt with my Family Dr. tomorrow to assess if this is stress induced or medically whatever...If it's stress, I'm seriously gonna consider my options....this is getting ridiculous. I can't hardly think straight and I worry myself when I am driving....mostly to work!!

Still experiencing some heavy anxiety at times, around work predominently and the whole response in me is fairly reminiscent of when I was working the contract in London...a job I ended up quiting within 2 days of returning from a vacation (to Pennsic_of all places.) I haven't started dancing when I wake up at 3am though, I expect I'm not far off from that.

So that's what you get for now. I have no child to care for this week, so I'm hoping to recharge, clean up some stuff around here, maybe get rid of a few boxes of stuff or at least sort through some stuff to get rid of...I dunno.

Oh...and on another note, I'm dusting off some old skills regarding energy use, and spell casting...it feels right.