locus_ofcontro: (Work)
October 9, 2007 Alone Time
Virgo Daily Horoscope

You may find that you want to be alone today in order to sort through your feelings. Perhaps you are feeling more emotional and would like some time away from the world to decompress and get grounded. If you find that your responsibilities and the people in your life are calling on you to be available to them, now is the perfect time to practice saying “No.” It can be easy to feel like our feelings and our personal process don’t merit our attention. The truth is that unless we are centered, it is impossible for us to be grounded as we deal with the rest of the world. Today may be the perfect opportunity to spend time at home alone and be with your thoughts. You may want to journal or meditate today.

Our alone time is time we spend with ourselves. Just as we must nurture our relationships with others and tend to our responsibilities, we must also cultivate our relationship with ourselves. The world tends to reflect the way we feel about ourselves. If we are unwilling to give ourselves our full attention, it is unlikely that we will find the attention we crave from others. When you are alone, you can hear your thoughts without distraction and take care of yourself in ways that you aren’t able to when you are with other people. Spend time with yourself today, and you’ll be able to sort through your feelings and rediscover your equilibrium.


Oct. 4th, 2007 07:24 am
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
I'm not a big fan of WANTING things. Hell I'm not a big fan of any great emotion that I don't understand, can't control and ties my stomach up in knots.

I learned early that life is easier if you keep a distance from that stuff. Like people, enjoy them, but keep the walls high and strong and don't let the emotions get to you.

I don't like wanting things...anything. Anyone.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
Not writing so much but lots of thinking and hand journalling happening...

Topics include

Intimacy in relationships
D/s and power and control
Pleasure/pain principles
Creative thoughts
Bi-curiousity and roadblocks...

Over riding these low level perculating thoughts....

parenting, new housemates, CLEANING,work and medications...

I never said my head was boring!!
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
Lots of leftovers to do with [ profile] zagatto's moving out, and [ profile] trinshadow et all, moving in.

I'll be "thinning" stuff. A lot will probably find it's way to my work world for clients who have less...some may get posted here...more will likely find it's way to a VV bin enroute to work one day.

Other to do's for me...over the next 2 months...

1. Wash out Freezer and plug it in.
2. Buy a computer of my very own....
3. Re-arrange my room to accomodate, desk & computer
4. Clean out my fridge & re-arrange kitchen cupboards. (hopefully with [ profile] trinshadow's help)
5. Clean out cupboards in garage _ to sort out storage space
6. Move bookcase in Living room to other wall
7. Bring stereo from L/R to my bedroom
8. Take Ghetto to work
9. Move cats box
10. Do not kill my child!!!

Gotta go...child being annoying...MUST redirect.

note: If anyone has expertise in the above areas and wants to lend their services of directing me along appropriate pathways...Lemme know!!
locus_ofcontro: (Boring Update)
1. Call and cancel my 1pm appt.
2. Empty Car
4. Print & Sign Separation Agreement with [ profile] zagatto
5. Call Mortgage Company's Lawyer
6. Kitchen...
7. Grocery List?
8. Pack a box for [ profile] zagatto
9. Get new cat food
10. Drop off donations
11. Do basic math/budgeting
12. Go shopping for a dress for the wedding
13. call Insurance company to make changes
14. Email old owner here (mail)
15. Contact HR, ref $ to RESP
16. Book time to connect with [ profile] lickerishwhip on FRIDAY
17. Plug in freezer
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
from : Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

"It is easy to get into the habit of judgment. Once we begin to judge people, things and circumstance, judgment can rule our inner and outer dialogue. An inner dialogue (the mental conversations we are constantly having with ourselves) of judgment creates nothing but restlessness and discontent. An outer dialogue of judgment destroys honest and open communication, because none of us want to make ourselves vulnerable if we sense we will be shot down by judgement...... Judgment is one of the great poisons that kill relationships......The ability to suspend judgment is an essential characteristic if we wish to explore the very depths of intimacy. The path that leads to intimacy is blocked to those who are unwilling or unable to practice non-judgment."

Hrm...I have lots of those inner dialogues, the ones that cause restlessness and discontent. They are the voices in my head that tell me that I don't measure up, that that person doesn't really like ME, that I'm not good enough. Those inner dialogues can paralyze me in so many ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are the dialogues that I see so many of my clients have with themselves. They turn to drugs, alcohol and many other vices to drown out their own inner judgment. What do I turn to?
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
Warning... this is rambling...and possibly directionless.

Rob @ the Gig said that sexuality is God's gift to us to share with our lifelong chosen partner. He pushes monogamy, says it is what Christ talks to us about.

I don't think much about what Christ had to say. When the Catholic church annulled my mother's marriage, I no longer existed so I eliminated the middle man and deal with God/Goddess/Spirit/Universe on a one-to-one basis.

Love is meant to be shared. Many people will only allow themselves to feel "loved" in a sexual context. I've met people for whom unconditional, unquestioning and open-hearted love is only something they can experience in the throes of pain. We all contain some aspect of broken sexuality.

In Conversations with God, I read that "Sex is an extraordinary expression of love_ love of another, love of Self, love of life." "The central question in ANY decision is, "what would love do now?" Love for YOURSELF, and love for all others who are affected or involved."

And more "failure to express negative feelings does not make them go away; it keeps them in. Negativity "kept in" harms the body and burdens the soul." and finally, for now "Needing someone is the fastest way to kill a relationship."

An old soul once told me, when I was looking into Wicca for a time, that I'm not here for that this time around. She told me "you are here to heal others, this time. You don't need this to do that." I never went back to that Wiccan meeting, and I'd forgotten all about that until the Gig the other day. I heard a lady say to her partner "I see the you that God meant you to be, the one he created, before your parents and your life and your walls and hurts all happened. I see through that to the you that God made." That was a very real statement to me, and as I look around, I wonder if I often see that in other people.

I have clients that say "I wasn't going to tell you that, you have something, I just start talking to you and telling you things that I KNOW I shouldn't tell you." I'm here to heal people. That floats around in my head a lot.

I know I've done harm to people. I have faith that I do less NOW than I have in the past, as I've become more aware of when I'm working from a space of fear rather then a space of love. I'm learning to check in on myself...and with others when there's a "twinge" of something that feels like I might not have understood it well.

I'm surrounded by people who choose love as a way to live their live. They approach the world and other people from a space of curiousity and desire to learn, to grow. I feel out of my depth many many times, but they are content enough to allow me to float sometimes which helps. God/dess bless them.

This is rambling and unfiltered... and...just the skimming of the top of the thinky thoughts in my head.
locus_ofcontro: (PENISES)
Someone told me today that they are using me. Not in any sense where they are using me with an intent to cause me harm or hurt me, but in fact they are hoping that I benefit from our interactions as well. It's more that they are using aspects of who I am, and how I relate with them to learn something and to help them heal.

They are using me to feel better, healthier and stronger in many ways. Physically, emotionally and, I believe, spiritualy.

I asked myself, if I'm ok with that. Am I ok, that I'm bringing good things to this person, HELL yes. I'm happy to bring them happiness in any way I can, even if it's just to be sufficient distraction to keep them from doing something stupid... Or perhaps...the thought of me with a baseball bat aimed at their head, is also healing...whatever. I'm happy to be filling whatever need, I'm filling right now...and it's not costing me anything to be there.

In fact, I'm gaining too. I'm practicing some long dead skills of my spirituality, getting practiced at staying present and facing my fears. I'm learning to trust and be vulnerable and open and spontaneous. I'm remembering that it's ok to feel safe and protected...but be strong and opinionated too...things I feel I've forgotten.

Am I ok with being used? Perhaps the larger question should be....who's using who?
locus_ofcontro: (Boring Update)
I haven't put any thought at all into a real update for a while...Let's see...

Still trying to sort out finances for the house and if I'm gonna be able to get a mortgage on my own. I have a lead on that, I just need the energy and daytime hours to make a couple of calls to follow that up.

Still dating [ profile] curgoth, when our schedules are mutually amendable to time together.

Still "dating", "seeing", being "friends with benefits" or whatever you want to call it, with BFHS. There's something there, but without a coherent lable to it at this point. Regular phone and IM contact, not to mention opportunities in person...suggest that there's something. Oh, and I met the kids on Sunday which was...awkward at times, but ...interesting as well. More about that whole thing behind a filter when I get time in my head to really think clearly.

Still NOT sleeping well, and have a rash, and an intermittent fever to boot, now. And an appt with my Family Dr. tomorrow to assess if this is stress induced or medically whatever...If it's stress, I'm seriously gonna consider my options....this is getting ridiculous. I can't hardly think straight and I worry myself when I am driving....mostly to work!!

Still experiencing some heavy anxiety at times, around work predominently and the whole response in me is fairly reminiscent of when I was working the contract in London...a job I ended up quiting within 2 days of returning from a vacation (to Pennsic_of all places.) I haven't started dancing when I wake up at 3am though, I expect I'm not far off from that.

So that's what you get for now. I have no child to care for this week, so I'm hoping to recharge, clean up some stuff around here, maybe get rid of a few boxes of stuff or at least sort through some stuff to get rid of...I dunno.

Oh...and on another note, I'm dusting off some old skills regarding energy use, and spell feels right.
locus_ofcontro: (Faith and Rants)
I truly am a moron. I could have taken my sleeping pill tonight to kick start my body into understanding the whole *SLEEP WHEN IN BED* thing.... I didn't. And here I sit. Awake.

I've been pretty quiet on LJ for a while, for a number of reasons including my brain being SO full, that I can't hardly think straight let alone write anything coherent.

So, here's a mini-update.

I'm in the process of trying to convince a family member to co-sign the mortgage with me, so that [ profile] zagatto can be taken off of it. If that works, then I'll be having [ profile] trinshadow and family move in, so we can create a "blended family" of sorts meeting several of their and my needs. I'm rather excited by the thought of 3 parents in the house with 2 kids. It almost seems managable.

I'm still poly. I'm having lots of intense and challenging moments with BFHS, who will likely be indoctrinated into the Tribe, once he has discovered the value of an actual calendar. [ profile] curgoth and I had a wonderful picnic yesterday on the banks of the Grand River and managed to stumble our way around "New Hogsmeade" as part of the Harry Potter celebrations. It was wonderful to re-connect with him on so many levels, and he showed me how to look at several calendars at once. I have tentatively scheduled coffee with an elusive friend and am looking forward to that indulgence.

My kink side is suffering. The need to have the tension flogged out of my shoulders is creeping ever so slowly into the forefront of my priorities. I need to be gentle with my self and very careful.

My brain is foggy on a lot of levels meaning I am struggling with motivation, completions of initiated tasks and desire to be present at home. I'm being an escapist. I have so many books here and none in my hand, just a longing to have them all in my head. I recognize this pattern as fear of change and challenges. It's why I've been where I've been for so very long. It was always easier. It's not easier to stay in that space right now, but the shift is slow going and in the meantime other things are suffering while my brain does it's work. Mostly laundry & house cleaning!!

Well, I'm yawning now, and that may be a good sign... So I'm gonna try this sleep thing again.


locus_ofcontro: (Default)

January 2015



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