Quotes...not wrong ones!

- "cause you have no self-esteem ya git"
- "it doesn't sound like identifying the thoughts is an issue for you, but maybe recognizing the feelings is more of a challenge"
- "it's so hot!"
-"txt or something so I know you got home alright!"
-"you're putting it out to the universe, whether you are conscious of it or not"
-"we'll have to work on that trust thing"







And in other news:
- had Martini's with my dancer friend J, and got my astrology update til October 2009!!
- spent silent time in my head
- spent NOISY time in my head....debrief thoughts going onto paper I think...need to sort out comfort issues with LJ!!

There are many meanderings in my written journal, that perhaps when the sun is not calling so loudly may get voice here.

For now....go play... it's bright today.

Duality & ACOA

ACOA (Adult Children of Alcohoics) live in a constant stated of duality. Warring inside between their innate sense of unworthiness (unworthy of love, emotional caring, and trust that they were denied in the chaos of their chilldhood) and their innate sense of entitlement. How does one feel unworthy and entitled at the same time...>VERY CHAOTICALLY.

Welcome to the space that is my head.

In one instant, I am feeling a sense that person A should WANT to at least remember my name, because... (pick a reason)....this sense of outrage that they DON"T want to remember my name (in my perception) is accompanied by the sense that I'm NOT worthy of their attention because....(pick a reason)

Seriously. Both these thoughts wage war on each other until one beats the other into submission, briefly, then they fight again on and on and on.


All rational thought aside, there's emotions that accompany this war. From anger and outrage, to abandonment and genuine hurt.

I'm good at the thoughts, I recognize them well when I take the time to slow everything down and hear them....it's the emotions that I'm not so good at. You were only ever allowed to be angry in my house. It's really the only emotion I know well.

My CBT says I need to work on the emotional part, but where will I ever find the bandwidth to deal with my own emotional stuff when I'm so caught up in the work that I do. I come home, emotionally drained and dry. Where is there room in that for my own work. I risk crossing boundaries, sharing too much, empathizing with my clients and becoming enmeshed. It's not healthy. I see it.
How do I manage it.? Perhaps that is where the CBT will have to help me.