Growing Up

Identify three things that you need in order to be emotionally fulfilled by your service and reflect on why
This could be done in only a few dozen words, but I'd rather you expand on these somewhat when reflecting on why you think they are as fulfilling as they are. Also, give me an some examples from your history or from your fantasies about how they have been emotionally fulfilling...



This is the homework I was assigned that was due last night. I haven't done it.

Point of fact, I haven't done any of the homework assignments to my satisfacation or at all. I'm going through a distinct period of "ambivalance" in the latest much_ado definition. I have intense conflicted emotions about the outcome. A piece of me has the distinct desire and intense WANT to move forward in the process of digging into my submissive mindset. I have a desire to understand it in all it's layers and all it manifestations. This desire is currently fighting with the desire to feel "normal." To define myself as normal outside of the world of kink, bdsm, poly all of that. I'm questioning all my choices deep inside my head and my heart and NOT TALKING about it. This isn't good and definitely isn't respectful.

I know this, and yet have not made a deicsion on how to handle it. As a result, I've made a decision through my own inactions and lack of commitment, and piteous lack of self-discipline.

I'm terrified of moving anywhere. Moving forward with my kink desires, moving forward with my intentions for my backyard, my home, my relationships across the board. I'm stuck in a quagmire of questions that I'm avoiding answering cause each one requires a commitment. WhooHOO....I figured out recently that I have a legacy from the FOO, specifically my dad, that indicates I have a fear of committing. I'm terrible to try to make plans with cause I want to keep all my options open and not commit to anything. And verbal commitments... I can't even respect myself enough to honour those, let alone honour the people that I make them to.

I've disappointed someone whose opinion I respect. Even more, I've disappointed myself.

I can see what I'm doing, but don't know where to stop it. It's commitment, discipline, ...it's a sense of not even being worth it to MYSELF, for myself. It's fear of commitment. I'm stuck. Damnit.

I have a vacation day tomorrow. I intend to spend it at the University of Waterloo's library.

I will be looking for access to social science type stuff...journals of pediatrics, psychiatry, mental health, social work etc.

I am looking for someone to point me to a) the right part of campus, b) the right library...and if interested in what I'm looking at or just plain killing time, personally guide me around. I've never been.


Shout out here or on my cell in the morning if you are able to provide some guidance.


*Hugs*