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Last night was interesting...
I got brilliant earlier in the day and decided I'd make friends with the inner abyss and that's what I would be for Hallowe'en. So, I dressed all in black, blackened my hair, and taped the words "the abyss" over my chest....
Wore that, dropped Kat off with her dad for hallowe'en and found myself with 3 hrs or so to kill before party time....
I came home....wallowed in the abyss for a while. And then went to change. I recalled that the "wedded one" had asked if I'd be a gypsy with her...
So...out came the garb, the veils, the fancy skirts, and the dangles.....
Wrapping myself in my veils felt very much like coming home....putting my makeup on in the mirror, felt...real, and present.... THIS is the way I'm comfortable. I can hold this, wear this, be this... It's a light in the abyss, that I'd forgotten was there....
Off I went...feeling a tad odd, wearing what for me was often an SCA costume to a party where lots of those would be there.... I've not been to an event in years....I guess for me that really does make it a costume.... It also fels like being home...
I'd indulged a bit before I got there....and the paranoia and pleasant flow of the thoughts in my mind... *I so love the insight I get when I've indulged*...was distracting and intensified my focus all at the same time...
Epiphanies? People are not real to me until I've had an experience of bonding with them, a good conversation, a touch... I can see them over and over at the same places, and not recall their name. I do not talk to many people. I wandered to the party, seeing familiar faces and being unable to focus on them, as my mind raced into new insights and awarenesses...
I indulged in memories of me when I could manage these events, be open and responsive and connect.... I indulged in self-pity, frustration and challenge.
I faced an energy that wanted to "pull your heart out of your back and wipe it off from all the darkness hiding it right now." Faced, asked...and ran. It was a bittersweet interaction, in that I was willing to admit what I wanted, but could not handle the offer to recieve it. I took what I could savour of the energy, the good will, and wide open LOVE...that reminded me of Spirit, and Goddess and warm moonlit nights in wide open spaces.... and I ran.
All in all, an interesting evening. I started my day with a bath...unusual for me...but healing, calming and nurturing... Little things are getting done, in 15 min increments, it's about all I can do right now... I had breakfast, am pondering lunch... There's a fellow likely to touch base later in the day, and I have an open invite to Cambridge to hang with ladies from work with a glass or two of wine.
Things I considered & didn't do:
- slide into the hot tub before anyone else remembered it was there
- STAY, crash there...
- Bring home the energy and feed what I need
None of t hese would have been bad things...but all would have involved more ...self-assurance than I have right now. I entertained them, weighed the risks.... and didn't do. Maybe next time.
I got brilliant earlier in the day and decided I'd make friends with the inner abyss and that's what I would be for Hallowe'en. So, I dressed all in black, blackened my hair, and taped the words "the abyss" over my chest....
Wore that, dropped Kat off with her dad for hallowe'en and found myself with 3 hrs or so to kill before party time....
I came home....wallowed in the abyss for a while. And then went to change. I recalled that the "wedded one" had asked if I'd be a gypsy with her...
So...out came the garb, the veils, the fancy skirts, and the dangles.....
Wrapping myself in my veils felt very much like coming home....putting my makeup on in the mirror, felt...real, and present.... THIS is the way I'm comfortable. I can hold this, wear this, be this... It's a light in the abyss, that I'd forgotten was there....
Off I went...feeling a tad odd, wearing what for me was often an SCA costume to a party where lots of those would be there.... I've not been to an event in years....I guess for me that really does make it a costume.... It also fels like being home...
I'd indulged a bit before I got there....and the paranoia and pleasant flow of the thoughts in my mind... *I so love the insight I get when I've indulged*...was distracting and intensified my focus all at the same time...
Epiphanies? People are not real to me until I've had an experience of bonding with them, a good conversation, a touch... I can see them over and over at the same places, and not recall their name. I do not talk to many people. I wandered to the party, seeing familiar faces and being unable to focus on them, as my mind raced into new insights and awarenesses...
I indulged in memories of me when I could manage these events, be open and responsive and connect.... I indulged in self-pity, frustration and challenge.
I faced an energy that wanted to "pull your heart out of your back and wipe it off from all the darkness hiding it right now." Faced, asked...and ran. It was a bittersweet interaction, in that I was willing to admit what I wanted, but could not handle the offer to recieve it. I took what I could savour of the energy, the good will, and wide open LOVE...that reminded me of Spirit, and Goddess and warm moonlit nights in wide open spaces.... and I ran.
All in all, an interesting evening. I started my day with a bath...unusual for me...but healing, calming and nurturing... Little things are getting done, in 15 min increments, it's about all I can do right now... I had breakfast, am pondering lunch... There's a fellow likely to touch base later in the day, and I have an open invite to Cambridge to hang with ladies from work with a glass or two of wine.
Things I considered & didn't do:
- slide into the hot tub before anyone else remembered it was there
- STAY, crash there...
- Bring home the energy and feed what I need
None of t hese would have been bad things...but all would have involved more ...self-assurance than I have right now. I entertained them, weighed the risks.... and didn't do. Maybe next time.
