locus_ofcontro: (RANTING)
Identify three things that you need in order to be emotionally fulfilled by your service and reflect on why
This could be done in only a few dozen words, but I'd rather you expand on these somewhat when reflecting on why you think they are as fulfilling as they are. Also, give me an some examples from your history or from your fantasies about how they have been emotionally fulfilling...



This is the homework I was assigned that was due last night. I haven't done it.

Point of fact, I haven't done any of the homework assignments to my satisfacation or at all. I'm going through a distinct period of "ambivalance" in the latest [livejournal.com profile] much_ado definition. I have intense conflicted emotions about the outcome. A piece of me has the distinct desire and intense WANT to move forward in the process of digging into my submissive mindset. I have a desire to understand it in all it's layers and all it manifestations. This desire is currently fighting with the desire to feel "normal." To define myself as normal outside of the world of kink, bdsm, poly all of that. I'm questioning all my choices deep inside my head and my heart and NOT TALKING about it. This isn't good and definitely isn't respectful.

I know this, and yet have not made a deicsion on how to handle it. As a result, I've made a decision through my own inactions and lack of commitment, and piteous lack of self-discipline.

I'm terrified of moving anywhere. Moving forward with my kink desires, moving forward with my intentions for my backyard, my home, my relationships across the board. I'm stuck in a quagmire of questions that I'm avoiding answering cause each one requires a commitment. WhooHOO....I figured out recently that I have a legacy from the FOO, specifically my dad, that indicates I have a fear of committing. I'm terrible to try to make plans with cause I want to keep all my options open and not commit to anything. And verbal commitments... I can't even respect myself enough to honour those, let alone honour the people that I make them to.

I've disappointed someone whose opinion I respect. Even more, I've disappointed myself.

I can see what I'm doing, but don't know where to stop it. It's commitment, discipline, ...it's a sense of not even being worth it to MYSELF, for myself. It's fear of commitment. I'm stuck. Damnit.
locus_ofcontro: (Open)
March 19, 2008

Your Wellspring Of Energy A Stress-Free Home

Sometimes our lives are so busy that we treat our homes as if they were impersonal places that we merely pass through. But we can make certain that our homes truly feel like our sanctuaries by taking the time to tend to them like gardens, which need care in order to offer us the beauty of their blooms. When we take the time to treat our homes like beloved treasures, we can shift their energy from being merely places to being wellsprings for the replenishment of our energy.

Consider that homes are the outer reflections of those who live within. If we feel that the current appearance clashes with how we’d like to see ourselves, it can keep us from fully allowing our light to shine. Updating our homes to reflect our inner landscape need not involve massive redecorating or a large outlay of money. Small things can make a big difference, like simply moving items so that we constantly gaze upon the things we love the most, liberating the treasures we’ve hidden in our closets, using our best dishes and making small repairs. Organizing and cleaning is a no-cost way to remove chaos from our homes and introduce more calm. Lovingly rejuvenating our personal space can become a creative project that increases the flow of good throughout all aspects of our lives and increases our feeling of connection. We can give old things new life by donating them to charity, opening space for newness to enter. Removing stress from our homes can be as simple as putting o!ur bills into pretty boxes and choosing a specific time to deal with them, or removing clutter so that we and our energy can move freely throughout our space.

Simplifying our space lets our imagination and energy roam free. We can choose to prioritize our homes, making them the true heart of our family’s activities. Then we are free to focus on what really matters—time to ourselves, to share with loved ones, and to replenish our energy so that we have more to share with each other and with the world.
locus_ofcontro: (Work)
I'm up.
I'm anxious.

I am supposed to be at a house to photograph it at 8:30.

I don't want to go. I want to crawl back into bed.

I want to talk to the EAP person...This is becoming a priority...quickly.
locus_ofcontro: (RANTING)
I have depression and a very poor idea of what that looked like for me as a child.

And I have a 5year old. Who when she's like she was tonight...sounds a lot like what goes on in my head when I haven't taken my meds.


Hearing a 5 year old child say "no one loves me, tomorrow will be a bad day too because today was a bad day, my head gets all full of mad and I don't know what to do"...these are things I have heard in my own adult head. I can manage those thoughts and know them for the messed up chemical bits that they are in my brain and know it's time to adjust my meds....she's 5.

How do I explain to a 5 year old....How do I know...it's the same and not the stress and anxiety of just being a child...

How do I help my OWN child?


**gah...I'm having a want...all the research out there is locked behind journals!!! MUST find time to hit up the university.**

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January 2015

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